The world can be a lonely place for a single woman in her thirties, with the vast majority of men being either married, gay or considering both.
It is no surprise then, that in order to avoid becoming obsessed with ticking clocks, women of this age find other things to focus on as a way of detracting from the glaring reality of a potential life full of cats and over 50’s bridge nights. Something else to think about, as it were, aside from weddings, children, regular sex, or the lack there of any of the above.
If I can’t have a husband, I’m going to have a f***ing arse of steel – is the mantra going through the 37-year-olds mind as she completes her daily 10k run before work.
Fortunately for the single 30-something what she lacks in hot morning sex with a boyfriend she makes up for in time available to spend at the gym doing Zumba classes. I spin therefore I am.
Found: Keen to keep up with the transatlantic fitness trends your typical fit 30-something can be found at any wildly expensive, latest LA inspired fitness class that charges £25 for a class and £3.75 for a bottle of water. Barry’s boot camp, Soul Cycle – or crying on a power plate in the corner of the gym.
I can’t come to the pub, I’m training for the marathon this year and climbing Kilimanjaro blindfolded for charity.
Has she put weight on since she got married?
When a women in her 30’s can’t find a husband she finds herself. Or at least a gluten-free quinoa salad and hibiscus infused tea at the cafe at her local yoga studio.
Nothing says single like a room full of women rooting into their tadasana being grateful for light, love and happiness.
What they are saying is namaste what they are thinking is, for fuck’s sake where are the hot guys in this class I knew I should have done monday night instead.
Found: Reading The Power of Now in the communal foyer of Triyoga or catching up with friends at an organic eatery discussing mindful meditation retreats in Goa.
I fully accept and embrace the will of the universe that I am alone. I embrace my solitary existence.
… Are there more fit guys at the Bikram or Kundalini class?
There are two paths to take as a single woman in your late 30’s – the path of spiritual enlightenment or the path to the nearest cosmetic surgeon. Nothing says ‘Crikey, that wasn’t there yesterday’ like the face of a woman pushing forty.
And for those who can’t ‘mindfully’ accept mother nature 35+ is the time that many start to do something about it.
Liposuction, boob jobs, Botox and fillers are all fantastic ways to detract from being single and men love nothing more than plastic boobs, cod lips and absolutely no facial expression what so ever. You call it ‘tweaking’ and thinks it takes years off you – everyone else? Not so sure.
Found: Behind dark sunglasses leaving a Harley Street clinic, googling flights to Budapest for cut price liposuction, or on a beach in Barbados wearing a bikini designed for 21-year-olds cracking onto the local barman under the deluded belief that a new pair of boobs will fool everyone into thinking you are ‘but a mere snip of a girl!’
Guess my age, go on, guess my age!
Doesn’t Patsy Kensit look great.
For 30-something singles who are not puking by the side of an exercise bike after 30 minutes of intensive cardio at Soul Cycle, making peace with their inner chakra, or injecting chemicals into their face every couple of months, trawling West End bars is a great way to live in denial that you are pushing forty without a date let alone a husband. You are not alone – single women in their thirties are not an uncommon sight in hotel bars across London, and with the advantage of soft lighting and a more buoyant income, can often be found draped seductively across Champagne bars, Louboutin-clad, lychee martini in hand.
Found: Sandersons, The Mayfair Bar, Harvey Nichols 5th floor, alone – facedown in a toilet.
I only smoke when I’m drunk.
I fucking hate couples, all men are cheats.
Did I do coke last night?
The Big Job.
Absolutely no better way to detract from your crippling bad personal life than focusing on you career. Who needs a man to cuddle up to at night when you in line for a promotion to Vice Chairman of the top law firm in London – is what she tells herself.
The single career woman doesn’t need a man or a baby, she’s too busy flying business class to New York, telling her PR what time she wants her dry cleaning to be delivered and that, for the millionth time, hers is a soya decaf latte!!
Occasionally she considers a life of domestic bliss but then remembers her restaurant reservation at The Ivy for 8.30, and that the affair she’s been having with Chad from the Chicago office for the last two years brings her all the emotional fulfilment she needs.
Found: Canary Wharf, Heathrow terminal 5, the top floor suite at the Plaza Hotel with Chad.
Women are equal to men, wives aren’t.
Where the hell are the papers for the 4 o’ clock meeting, you’ve got 10 seconds before your ass is fired.
I can’t believe you didn’t call me on Christmas Day, when will you leave her!!?
Healing the world.
If any of the above hobbies aren’t your style, global salvation is always a viable option for the single 30-something. More often a category the slightly older singleton falls into, with the trend for world peace at an all time high, the single 30-something seems no reason why she, too, can’t sell her flat in Notting Hill and relocate to Sudan.
Deciding that her life would be far better spent curing people of Ebola than it would surfing match.com every night.
Found: Head office of Medecins Sans Frontieres, Downloading Do They Know it’s Christmas?, at an anti-austerity rally in East London or in a mud hut in Sierra Leone spooning oats into the mouth of a dying child.
My life has so much meaning now I have found my calling to help others – men are the last thing on my mind at the moment.
Russell Brand is so fit.