The Only New Year’s Resolutions You Need to Make

katyUncategorized1 Comment


Unknown-3So the new year is upon us and, no doubt your New Year’s resolutions have been made by now. Urgg, stop it immediately. Is there anything more dull than a person who swears off anything remotely pleasurable (i.e. booze) for the foreseeable future?

Apart from the fact that only 8% of people ever see through their New Year’s resolutions, they’re just so dull and make you look like someone incapable of self-discipline unless you have every fitness guru on Instagram and the Daily Mail online egging you on to do it.

Fuck that.

The new year shouldn’t be about denying yourself pleasures, it should be about saying yes to things. Seizing the year with both hands, eating the cake, drinking the drink, saying yes to the date, writing the book and booking the holiday.

After all, isn’t life hard enough?

Need some ideas of how to transform your life without giving up gin?

Unknown-5Delete your Facebook account

(from your phone at least)

Now, make no mistake, I’m a bloody sucker for a social media platform however, when it comes to time-wasting things to do with your day scrolling through old school friends Facebook accounts has got to be up there.

I deleted my Facebook account from my phone last week and I haven’t missed it a bit.

( Just don’t take my Twitter from me – I’m not ready quite yet)

Stop comparing yourself to famous people thinner than you

You ate a donut, so the fuck what. You’re never going to be Cheryl Cole, and thank God for that, she has an eating disorder and despite her fame and fortune seems about as happy as a turkey at Christmas.

You don’t need to buy shares in Krispy Kreme’s just stop giving yourself a hard time over *everything* that passes your lips.

Stop taking selfies

I realise this is a negative, but, really, stop it.

Just so common.

Buy experiences not stuff

Because you’re going to remember a city break in Barcelona a lot more than a Mulberry bag in thirty years time.

Unknown-6Date weird men

Apart from anything else, the folks on The Undatable’s seem to be having far more fun than I do on an average date.
Obviously by weird I mean not your usual type.

My usual type is cheating, narcissistic assholes who spend most of their time in another country and I’m nearly forty and single.

I did the hard work so you don’t have to.

You’re welcome.

Go on holiday on your own

This is so fun and something I’d highly recommend. I’ve been travelling alone for year and will continue to do so until I die. Holidaying alone means you don’t have to compromise on where you stay, you can do exactly what you want to, and you don’t have to go to an ancient ruin half a days drive away because it’s on someone else’s ‘to do’ list.

Unknown-4Say no to shit you don’t want to do

I find it very difficult to say no to people because, despite doing a very good job of coming across as a mouthy cow I don’t really like to hurt people’s feelings.

What then happens is that I do something I don’t want to do then spend the next week with a tension headache resenting that person for ‘forcing’ me to do something I didn’t want to do, despite them being completely oblivious to my inner struggle.

Perfectly logical and exactly the sort of characteristic I always aspired to have as a fully grown adult.

Drop out friends you no longer have anything in common with

Because it happens – that thing when you just drift apart. It happens in relationships, and in friendships too, although it feels much harder to walk away from them.

That’s not to say you won’t reconnect in the future but, sometimes, in life, people need a bit of breathing space.

And that’s not always a bad thing.

Unknown-7Stop making Kim Kardashian rich

If you choose one thing from this list make it this.

Because she’s an idiot and you’re an idiot for fuelling the devils fire by giving a shit about her.

(See also the entire cast of The Only Way is Essex.)

Be grateful

But ifs stop hashtagging it.


katyThe Only New Year’s Resolutions You Need to Make

One Comment on ““The Only New Year’s Resolutions You Need to Make”

  1. Maria

    I love this list!! I did so many of these things in 2015 and am prepared to carry on! Although I think I’m done with dating weird men.

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