In a bid to write an interesting post this week I decided to refer to Google for some inspiration. Being a sex and relationship blog, and having spent a significant amount of time, in recent months, discussing subjects far removed from both sex and relationships I thought I would pull it back to it’s roots and investigate what men really want in bed. Simple, direct and, I dare say, will lead to 1000 words of filth and smut, exactly which, if I chose to end the blog post here, would probably make a pretty good conclusion to the subject.
However, in a bid to fulfil my research criteria I did discover that there were a many number of sites dedicated to this topic and advice on the subject of ‘what men want in bed’ was plentiful.
- Swallowing. (Textbook. As in, it is, not, a)
- Masturbation. Yep, a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do, or a man can’t do nearly as quickly or half as well.
- Being open minded, or legged, or preferably both. ‘ When he suggests handcuffs or role play don’t immediately dismiss him as being a perv.’ Sweet Jesus, if a man suggested handcuffs to me I’d presume I was the second women he’d slept with in his life and that he still jerked off over a stolen copy on June Penthouse 1987. Dendrophilia, Frotteurism, Ursusagalmatopphilia … now you’re talking, that’s when you’ve got something to toss a coin over.
- Sensual massage. Yadda yadda. Apparently ‘A back rub shows you care about him, not just about getting him off’ also known as total nonsense. Trust me, when your standing in front of a man naked I’d think it would be safe to take a sportsman bet and say that he doesn’t give a flying crap whether you care about him or not, hell no! he just wants to come on your tits! Emotions are for losers, let’s get laid!
- Talking dirty. The site in question recommends words such as ‘cock, arse, pussy and wet’. Which to my understanding was standard everyday office vocabulary. Ok, perhaps that’s just my office and ‘wet’ might be more weather associated in the aforementioned environment, but honestly, a few fucks and the odd cunt surely deserve a mention. I ask you, is it any wonder impotence is on the rise.
The most interesting point however, brought to our attention was that of pubic hair. A subject which, to my mind, and the opinions of those on Twitter (granted my followers don’t quite cover the whole of the social networking site but do come across as a pretty varied, sexually active, and, I would imagine, majority pube owning selection of people) evokes a range of responses.
According to the article a girl should ‘leave a little hair’ in order to get her man off.
Some guys don’t want going bare to win the war. “Too many women are too bald,” said one guy. “There are lots of guys that like the ’70s porn star look. Goddamn, I’ll take a ’70s porn star — who actually looks like a real woman — over a contemporary porn star — who looks like a plastic cyborg Barbie — any day.”
An interesting subject.
Being a child of the 70’s, myself, I vividly remember, being left both confused and slightly disturbed at the sight of women exposing large quantities of pubic hair fighting it’s way out of towelling bikinis along the beaches of Northern Spain. Forgive my aversion to sporadic bush patterns but even at a tender age I was somewhat unsettled at the idea of a pubic hair finding it’s way to a knee cap or, god forbid, beyond.
And, since then, having grown up in an age of waxing plucking, shaving, electrolysis, and total obsession with hair removal, I was of the (apparently naive) impression that men, too, feared the attack of the ever growing bush.
It seems not only was a frequently visited website recommending we throw away our razors but that half of Twitter was suggesting we do it too. What next I wonder, eat? Relax? Be comfortable in your own skin and stop trying to conform to the ideal of a 6 inch doll made of plastic? At some point in your life be in ownership of a vagina which almost resembles a grown woman’s?! Tsk, what madness.
And I thought I had it sussed, no sooner have I spent my entire life de-fuzzing various parts of my body I’m now expected to grow it all back again!
Men, it would seem, don’t just want a bird in the hand, they want a bush in it too …
You have been warned.