Last week saw the sad news that Cathriona White, ex-girlfriend of the Hollywood actor Jim Carrey, had taken her own life, four days after splitting from the actor. He has since been criticised in the press for partying straight after the break-up, and ‘talking to at least two women’ at an art party in Hollywood. (Oh, the horror)
His apparent, speedy recovery from the split has been noted because of the tragic situation. A situation where a break-up has meant two different things to two different people.
In her case, complete devastation – in his, just one of those things.
And such is the tragedy of love.
Because, although this is an extreme example of two reaction to the same situation, the truth of break-ups is that somebody is always going to hurt more than the other. That un-coupling stuff? Don’t believe the hype – you show me a couple that have genuinely, mutually agreed to separate without one person being the initiator and I’ll show you a tall story.
‘I really enjoyed that time my boyfriend of four years came home and told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore’ said no girl ever.
There is *no* such thing as a happy split.
Break-ups are hideous, and anyone who’s been through one knows that they can feel like a bereavement – worse in some cases, when, not only are you dealing with lose, but rejection too.
However, the harsh truth about the person who’s walked away is that they want out and their sensitivity or ability to get back on the market doesn’t have to equate to your grief.
Being dumped doesn’t mean your partner woke up that morning and decided to leave – it means they’ve been sat on the idea for a while and have just found the courage to do it, so what you think is a speedy recovery is actually a long over-due sigh of relief on their part – which, obviously, adds insult to injury when it’s hit you like a slap round the face.
So what’s the answer to that burning question – how could he move on so quickly? The answer is, it might make you feel better to hate a person for not grieving for something that’s hurt you so deeply or give you a sense of power by blaming them for not doing it the ‘right way’ but you lost them long before they left.
Nobody owes you anything – regardless of how long they’ve been in your life.
The kindest thing you can do to yourself is let the questions (read: them) go and move on. Whether they logged back online, are out at a party twenty-four hours after the break-up or have moved in with your best friend three days after delivering the news (actually scrap that – don’t move on from that – that really is s**t but for another blog post) the only answer you need is that things change and they are no longer yours to question.
Demanding answers doesn’t get people back, it pushes them further away. However there is good news, rebound relationships rarely work and there’s nothing like getting back on the scene to make you realise what you’ve lost. (Ok, I might have made that up but hold onto it until your better)
But in the mean time, when someone moves on before you think they should, stopping the judgment and letting go of the questions is the only way to truly heal.