I have spent much of the last 18 months blogging about dating, added to which, I have spent much of the last 18 years actually doing it. The combination of both would lead me to concluded that there is very little on the subject that shocks me anymore. I have come across all manner of dating techniques, venues, sites and participants. God knows, I might be terrible at driving, have absolutely no common sense, be unable to speak any languages outside of English or play a musical instrument beyond the recorder, grade 2, but boy, can I fill out an online dating profile page and sit next to a boring fucker from Croydon on a Tuesday night and pretend to look interested. Who needs a scholarship to the Royal College of Music when you could have the glazed look down to a fine art at the back of a Wetherspoons pub on Upper Street.
Anyway, as we were, very little shocks me when it comes to dating, or so I thought.
Tonight browsing through a popular Sunday colour supplement I stumbled across a chart, of the ‘what’s hot and what’s not’ variety, if you will. I read such columns with an element of disdain, constantly bewildered at what kind of lemmings so called educated people (of which I include myself) have become, to be told, and believe, that black nails at an absolute must while sharing plates served on ‘slates’ in gastro pubs are so last year, by a 22 year old ‘journalist’.
Just let me get this over with … How can a f****ing plate be ‘not’?? It’s kitchenware for God’s sake, what’s ‘out’ next week? Fridges? Shoes? Breathing??!
And relax …
So, within this Mecca of information, we are told that, apparently, the latest must do activity when it comes to meeting your soulmate is ‘om’ dating, that is to say, there is a dating site specifically targeted to yoga lovers. Sigh.
Now, anyone that has read my blog for a while will know that, along with men who treat pet dogs like human companions, cyclists and ‘vegetarian’ shoes wearers I have a particular aversion to those that practise yoga. That the very thought of a man rising at 6am on a Saturday morning to resume the downward dog with a pair of cycling shorts on is enough to make me want to run to the nearest Mayfair bar and offer up my body free of charge to a room full of investment bankers.
Delving further into the of the site, I notice that lonely hearts are, not only promised a soulmate, but The ability to Access Consciousness facilitating fast and easy change in the area of money, sex, relationships, healing, creativity, manifestation, communication and embodiment.
Whatever happened to just wanting to get laid?!
‘Our singles value a healthy, holistic lifestyle, with spiritual growth, yoga, and meditation as a way of living. We raise the collective consciousness and believe in attracting the right partner who shares your spiritual beliefs and core values.’
And you thought Guardian Soulmates was bad. You see, here’s the thing, and by all means call me a drunkard old lush who has absolutely no understanding of her inner spiritual core and creative manifestation (years, I tell you, years it’s taken.. Thanking you.) but really? Please, people, it’s Christmas! just for me, a collective eye roll if you will. I mean where are you going to go on a first date? the top of Primrose Hill for a Tai Chi session followed by a midday wheat grass shake and a handful of goji berries at Wholefoods??
And, as the injustice of the world dictates, the bitter irony, at a time of the year when I can’t remember what it feels like to be at least half pissed for the majority of the week. We are told it’s hot? oh believe, folks, It’s right up there with black nails, tinsel raves (Wtf) and Jacob Cohen men’s jeans ( great blowing, I mean marketing, Jacob Cohen.)
It’s just all too much.
Save it for January, save the clean living, detox doing, non boozing brainwashing for a time when the bars are at least pissing empty and there’s bugger all reason to go out anyway. But for now, we have a week left, let us have it!! I want heavy, hardcore alcohol, a liver that’s begging for forgiveness and to bid farewell to 2012 semiconscious in a gutter somewhere in Central London.
Yoga dating the hottest thing in the last week of December? Yeah, and the world ended on Friday … Happy Christmas one and all.