So Simon Cowell admits to having bedded two women at the same time. He liked it, you don’t say. I am surprised at the outcry to be honest. Threesomes, ménage a trois, spit roasts whatever you want to call them aren’t they a given these days, to the noughties what blowjobs were to the 70’s, just not that big a deal anymore?
I had a great night several Christmas’s ago with a gentleman friend. He decided it would be fun, being the season of goodwill to all men (and women) to invite one of his ‘friends’ to join us, she was familiar with the swinging scene, living in Royal Tunbridge Wells (who’d have know it) and my adventurous spirit was much obliged, carol singing being so last year. Fortunately I wasn’t in a love situation with said suggestee so the thought of him bonking another lady in front of me was not something I objected to, if anything I found the idea rather arousing, so long as I was thinner and had less cellulite than her I should see there to be no reason for jealousy (oh come on, you’d think it to) She was more than happy to oblige and I spent the afternoon prepping the flat to welcome our guest; candles lit, dimmer switches mended, sultry music and plenty of wine. Needless to say the middleman thought all his Christmases had come at once, quite literally and naturally I helped myself to a few vinos during the preparations so by the time she arrived I was nicely warm and fuzzy. There are certain things one doesn’t mind doing sober, offering Marks & Spencers mini bites to a girl who is about to suck your boyfriend off, is not one of them.
On arrival the conversation was polite. We exchanged pleasantries about the weather and local traffic congestion; I offered her wine while he stood dump founded and drooling at the thought of bedding 2 women talking about the north circular. Nothing, nay nothing in my experience of sexual happenings, renders a man quite so incapable of rationality, speech and physical movement than the thought of a threesome. CEO’S, politicians, managing directors become gibbering 15 year old the minute a pair of tits touch. Not quite sure why our government is investing millions of pounds for the capture of Gadaffi, when all they really need is a couple of the female back benchers to strip naked and finger each other, Libya would return to peace and the house of commons would be a much happier place all round. Everyone’s a winner.
The night was successful, if anything I found it almost more enjoyable than your straight forward coupling. Threesomes make perfect sense. Great shagging with fag breaks, genius. Did it hurt watching my boyfriend having sex with another girl? did it hell! Let me explain when you are dating a man who has the sex drive of Charlie Sheen and considers a good session to be 6 hours of banging in 37 different positions in every room in the house the idea of an understudy brought tears to my eyes (in a good way this time) She did all the hard work while I sat back with a Marlboro light and a glass of Sauvignon getting ready to win my girlfriend of the year award. Of course I threw in the odd bit of girl on girl action to stoke the old fires, 2 bottles of wine later, I certainly wasn’t going to let her have all the fun but when I tell you this was a broth I had to see to every night, in every room, in every frigging position, trust me, too many cooks were not about to spoil it.
Have I entertained 2 men in my boudoir before? Why of course not, what do you take me for, but my step cousins ex boyfriends sister in Australia has and assures me it is quite something. I couldn’t possibly comment.