Recently, after a bit of a dating break, I went back on Tinder. To have a browse, and, to see what I’ve been missing whilst I’ve been away. Needless to say, absolutely nothing is what I’ve been missing. It’s exactly the same – bar a ‘super like’ button – which I won’t bore you with the details of.
Far from inspiring me to get back on the proverbial horse, Tinder just proved a speedy reminder of what complete tools men can be, and exactly why, I’d rather go to a bar with a mate, get a bit pissed and snog a complete stranger than spend hours trawling an app ‘bantering’ with men I’m never meet up with.
Because the more I’m on it, the more of a tool magnet Tinder seems to be.
Make no mistake, I don’t claim to be the online dater of the century but, man alive, topless pictures, soft top motors, having faces licked by dogs – or my personal favourite, pictures of them with their wife – if you’re standing next to a girl in a wedding dress at least clarify you’re the best man.
It seems some men increasingly struggle to grasp exactly what it is that women want, or at least, how to advertise themselves online.
As someone who spends much of their waking life talking about dating I should make a few points clear – certain things that are complete and utter dating fails.
1. Having a really hot profile picture
But looking nothing like it in your other ones. Sure, we’ve all got that one great shot from four years ago that makes us look hot as f**k – whilst you’re chuffed to bits that someone caught you on a good day, at the right angle, using this as your ‘feeder’ snap will only lead to disappointment. Stop doing it, because we’re on Tinder, we already have enough disappointment.
2. Your nipples
if you’re young and topless you look like a wanker who loves himself and spends his life pumping iron in the gym, if you’re old you just look like a wanker.
3. Group pics
Eh? Working out the person you could potentially be – hashtag hard work, next.
4. Matching and not messaging
Yeah sure, we can be lazy too, but you’re the bloke – pull your finger out and send a message. Not sending a message after matching is the modern equivalent of chatting to a girl for hours in a bar and not buy her a drink. Lazy and ungentlemanly.
5. Using the word ‘sensual’ or ‘tactile’
This mostly applies to 50+ divorcees who have absolutely no idea how to date since having been off the scene since they married in 1982 and think that being ‘smooth’ is an appropriate way to entice young ladyzzzz into bed.
Fucking revolting, quite frankly.
6.‘I’m new to this’, ‘I don’t really do this sort of thing’, ’I’m deleting Tinder soon’
Oh, do fuck off. You’re as desperate as the rest of us – deal with it.
You’re 45. That is all.
8. Pouting in the bathroom mirror
I mean, *what* is that?!
9. Studio head shots
This is Tinder not Broadway and quite frankly, anything with a misty hue is just a bit bloody creepy.
Regardless of the amount of your free time you like to invest in small children, be they your own or a close relatives, having pictures of yourself in the park with three under 5’s makes us think you’re a closet pedophile.
There is a time and a place for small children, Tinder is not one of them.
Having an ‘expensive’ car on display in a profile picture means you’ve bought it on HP. Fact.
12.Telling us how ‘you don’t take life too seriously’
The YOLO for the older generation. Everyone takes life seriously. If you didn’t you’d probably be dead, or certainly wouldn’t spend a large part of your day trawling dating apps to cure your loneliness – if nothing else, it’s cheesy as fuck and shows that you have the literary creativity of a fourteen-year-old.
I could go on, but for now, should you be considering launching into the world of online dating, heed these words, and for Christ’s sake, use spell check.
How. Hard. Can. It. Be.