If I were a man, I would be a very good one. I know this because I have spent my life around men that aren’t very good ones.
I mean, how hard can it be? How hard can it be not to be irritating, boring, or at times, just utterly revolting? Apparently very.
Make no mistake, I’m no man hater, far from it, I quite adore those bumbling little oddities and that is exactly why, in order to help those in need, I have decided to compile a short list of pointers. Small tips of guidance to steer the lost in the right direction. Understand, this list of rules will not guarantee you a girlfriend, or indeed the holy grail of ‘Happiness’ – a wife (Who came up with that beauty?). But it will make you more attractive. Slightly.
The rules are non-negotiable and should be adhered to at all times, trust me, this has taken years of research, I know what I’m talking about.
- Do not wear cycling shorts when jogging. This comes before any other rule. It’s obscene and offensive. There are no exceptions.
- Do not ask your date to go Dutch. Dress up equality however you like, at the end of the day, if you can’t afford a pizza and a bottle of wine on a first date; don’t date.
- Do not call yourself, on a dating site or elsewhere, ‘Foxy Wolfiebunny’. Yes, people, believe it, this is not made up for literary effect, there is a man walking the earth, who thinks that this is a name that would, in some way, entice a future mate. You will notice that there are three animals mentioned in one name in this instance, suggesting he is either a taxidermist or a zoophile. Neither of which I consider to be acceptable pastimes.
- Do not tell women you are funny unless you are. Or tell me you are full of ‘hilarious stories’. When a man says this I prepare myself for a boring night and a three hour story about a ‘hilarious’ ski-ing trip (read – not.)
- Do not spend too long telling me how much you love your dog/kids. You’re a nice guy, I get it, now say something interesting.
- Do not go bald. Ok, go bald but do not try to disguise the fact you are follically challenged. Instead shave the lot off and have a sunbed. If you have to have a shiny dome crowning your person at the very least make it a nice colour.
- Do not tell me what good friends you are with your ex-girlfriends. I couldn’t give a shit if they are still in your life, in fact, chances are, I probably couldn’t give much of a shit about you generally, but telling me how the relationship ended well and you’re still great mates tells me that, actually, she went off you, found someone better but still speaks to you occasionally because she feels sorry for you. Yuck.
- Don’t tell me you have a small penis, or for that matter, don’t have a small penis. Size matters, and your acknowledgement of your lack of manhood sadly does little to change this. If you have to have a small penis make sure you are exceptionally good at cunnilingus and are happy for your girlfriend to have regular sex with other men. Problem solved.
- Do not, when the time comes, take 6 months paternity leave. I don’t care how overwhelming fatherhood is, we’re in a recession, get off the pissing sofa and get back to work.
- Do not wear Crocs or have toenail infections, or, God forbid, both.
- Do not tell me you had no friends at school and get on better with women than men.
- Do not EVER try to do a crap in front of me. I don’t care if we have been married for 62 years, I do not want to hear/see/smell you taking a shit. Ever. An ex-boyfriend of mine once tried it, I broke off the engagement immediately. (This is an actual fact, although admittedly there were a few other contributing factors.) The same can be said for any other bodily malfunctions, that time you got food poisoning in Thailand and shit yourself in the Internet cafe? Not interested.
- Do not order a hot chocolate with dinner, we are adults can we please behave as such.
- Do not do yoga.
- Do not tell me you are a writer/artist/musician. This means you are either famous or unemployed, and given that you’re not famous …
- And finally do not cry because I have dumped you. It was always going to happen, get over it and move on.
Being a ‘good’ man isn’t difficult it just takes guidance, strong bowels and a killer sense of humour.
Come on men, I’ve given you the tools now show me your work …