Recently I went on holiday and met a man. Ok so it came to nothing but we started chatting on the beach, arranged to meet that night and got to know each other over a couple of days, it was blissful, not because he was Mr Right, fantastically good looking or amazingly funny but because there were no bloody emails involved. It made me reassess certain things on my return. I have been online dating for far too long now. I went on my first date about 8 years ago and at 34 I am still single. Do the Maths. I have tried a number of different sites; none of them work, unless of course you are sex-crazed, desperate or a total loner in which case they are spot on.
If you think Facebook is a time waster try ‘my single friend’, it takes a Doctorate is Sociology to fill in your profile, and the skill of sifting through the no hopers to find the odd decent man has taken me half a decade to master. My theory is this, even if you do strike gold, internet dating creates an environment where it is to easy to jump on to the next person, people don’t work hard a relationships when they know there are another 4000 girls sitting pretty and ready at the click of a button, courting has become cheap.
The initial turning point might have been a couple of weeks ago when a message simply read ‘let me guess, 34DD? ’ I replied with all the manners I could muster with ‘let me guess, tiny penis? ‘ Needless to say that saw the end of our correspondence and signalled to me that this might be a good time to bid farewell to internet dating.
Although it is true that these days a vast majority of single people are online there still seems to be a ‘type’, and nothing turns me off more than somebody who is online all the time. I went on a date with a charming man recently he was online so much (even after the date and telling me how much he enjoyed my company) that I couldn’t help but wonder when he had time to brush his teeth let alone go to work. What did he want? A different long -term girlfriend for every day of the week? I also became mildly obsessed once with checking an ex’s ‘online’ time and even went as far as to set up a fake profile and chat with him for hours on end about his Labrador and how much I loved tennis (I hate both unlike ‘Harriet from Shepard’s Bush’ what a coincidence, can you believe it, we must meet up!) And before you call the men in white coats in I’d like to blame the internet, seeing who is online these days is the equivalent of installing a hidden camera in the corner of your boyfriends local 15 years ago, who’d have said no! Online dating sends you bonkers. Fact. Either through the Chinese torture of reading the same crap over and over again, of trawling your fabulous arse over to yet another date that turns out to be with Bernie Ecclestone less the millions, no wonder I became an obsessive stalker, 8 years my friends 8 years!
My point is this; no good can come of Internet dating. I want a bit of old school courting back in my life when a man and a women’s eyes meet across a crowded bar. They chat, they exchange numbers, they date and fall in love. What a distant memory that now seems after so many years of cyber chit chat and copy and paste introduction emails. Being call Babe, Honey and Princess by shirtless Daves from Croydon or being asked if I prefer sun to snow, jazz to rock, wine to beer, Chinese to Italian, Coldplay to The Killers? These are adult men asking these questions. with jobs, responsibilities, mortgages??! I haven’t even spoke to you on the phone yet, why the hell do you care what I think about Chris Martin ?!
So yes I am jaded and exhausted by spending hours of my life chatting crap to strangers in the hope that somewhere buried deep down in the rubble there might be the one. Because after 8 years I can tell you, it ain’t happening. My next boyfriend is out playing golf with his friends, working hard in a job he loves, in the pub with his friends having a laugh and chatting to real people with real faces, not hunched over a computer on his own in his spare room. This time I would like a walkin’ talkin’ living man and I’m logging out from here.