I have big plans for the year ahead. Just as I always start a new year with the best intentions, I also plan big things after each birthday. I am expecting it to be a good twelve months and, as usual, plan to be a stone lighter and be having regular sex with somebody who I love and respect by my birthday next year.
I know, all wildly unrealistic expectations but if you reach for the stars etc, etc. Thus far, four days into my 36th year, I am on track with approximately none of my goals.
My determination to eat nothing but beetroot and lean meat for six months disappears as soon as my hangover does, and having sex with someone I love and respect, least of all regularly, is just plain ridiculous. Men I find, either begin to irritate me three weeks into a relationship or turn out to be complete bastards. Bastards I can deal with, irritants? not so much.
So perhaps my ‘New Birthday Year’s Resolution’ this time around should be about not setting myself unrealistic goals but accepting things for the way they are? Either that or aim for the more achievable, like finding a solution for world debt or dealing with the housing crisis in Greater London.
On top of which, according to a ‘recent survey,’ curvy (make of it what you will) women are more likely to have a fulfilling sex life. The source of the information escapes me but I dare say it was conjured up by Krispy Kreme donuts or some such company, ‘eat pie, fuck often’. Catchy, I like it.
Can this really be true?
Just as I was contemplating the idea that despite the brainwashing of the media and the unrealistic ideals created for women to adhere to, that there actually might be women out there who aren’t on a diet and are getting some, I stumbled across a Facebook status on my timeline.
It said that true happiness and beauty only comes from loving yourself. Eh? My initial thoughts were what kind of loser updates their status with this crap, then I thought, and as much as it pains me to agree with any new age,viral crap, that yes, it’s true, sexy people don’t plan their year ahead in the hope they will be something else in the future, thinner, prettier and ‘happier’. They carry on exactly as they are because they see no reason to change.
Like a Eureka! moment I realised, that actually some ‘curvy’ women have good sex because they think they’re worth, and, that means …. they probably are!
It’s not being fat or thin that gets people laid, it’s believing they can and knowing they are sexy. You show me a man that finds the Atkins diet a turn-on and prefers a girl who’ll only shag on a ‘thin day’ with the lights out and I’ll show you someone who needs to get out more, or come out more.
So this year maybe I’ll forget one of my resolutions to get the other.
Pass me the cake, I wanna get horny …