So after last week’s post on fake orgasms I think, by now, we all know my take on going fake. Despite preferring to think I am never wrong I decided that, in the interest of fairness and because he’s a man who knows what he’s talking about when it comes to all things flirty and filthy, I would give the wonderful Harry Key a chance for his spin on things. Interesting stuff, listen up, ladies, there may be much to learn …
Ahh, faking it.
I do like the adage: “Don’t fake orgasms. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.”
But, admittedly, for many of the reasons you offered, faking it can be useful. For starters, I get massively turned on by a girl having an orgasm, and will often aim to plateau my level of arousedness until she’s ready. Those can combine to an annoying habit of riding the plateau, hovering just below the PONR (ahem, Point Of No Return. From this moment, we are going to blow no matter what you do) and hearing the girl about to have a real orgasm will often make me so excited I will beat her to the punch, quite narrowly.
So perhaps if you fake an epic orgasm early on, it might make me focus on myself while you prepare for your real orgasm which can pounce later without warning like the Orgasm Ninja. Silent. Satisfying.
While all women orgasm differently, every woman orgasms the same as herself.
Allow me to attempt to explain. Once you learn her real orgasm style; of involuntary insidy spasms and jagged breaths, that smell her breath gets, or whatever else she does subconsciously, it is distinctly different from how she fakes it. I know you think it’s not, but it is. When we notice the discrepancy, we’re caught thinking “Jesus, was that the real orgasm, or were all the others?” Then we start to double-think ourselves, and wonder if that one was the fake, and the other were real. Then we’ll think no, her rippling after quivers, knee-jerk clitoral sensitivity and that deeply relaxed ‘I too am going to fall unconscious now’ bit afterwards are quite difficult to fake. It leaves us lying awake feeling really shitty.
Cos you can’t say ‘Err, that was fake’. Believe me, I’ve tried. It does not go down well.
Firstly, and most importantly, you might be wrong. It is not nice to chase down a legitimate orgasm with an accusation of “LIAR!”
And so what if you’re right? You’re insulting her acting, and forcing her to apologise to you for not fucking her well enough to fool you into thinking you were capable of making her orgasm; then make her go into a long description about how it was fun but I just wasn’t getting there and girls don’t need to orgasm to enjoy sex and I’m sorry baby and bleurgh. Shite. Do you want that bullshit emotion coddling after being lied to? No. So we lie there doubting ourselves.
I once had some pretty damn incredible sex with a girl who was clearly opposed to the idea of faking it – and every time let me know that she didn’t. Every time I felt it was my duty to make her come (I hate the word ‘cum’), and every time she got close I’d get so excited I’d pip her at the post. I’m sure the tension wasn’t helping.
On that point – it is really annoying when women flail about when they’re about to blow. It is hard enough with each different woman to find that special angle and depth and correct hand, clitoris, boob, mouth-face combination to get her close; and she’ll let us know we’ve found that tenuous balance of clitoral pressure and penile depth by bucking like a rodeo bull.
Incidentally, it appears that the closer a woman is to an orgasm before being let down, the more frustrated she will be afterwards. If you beat her by minutes, they are generally quite cool with it and will still cuddle and make ‘Mmm’ sounds, but if you beat them by seconds they’ll ineffectually grind themselves against your dwindling dong before giving up and making a gravelly-edged ‘Hurrumph’ sound and paw aggressively at you for a while or go for a jog. Perhaps a charity fake orgasm would relieve some of that pressure.
And teaching a man Katy? We LOVE that. You women are all so confusing! Men all have exactly the same instruction manual: Wet cock. Apply friction. Stand back. What drives one woman wild will bore another and frustrate yet another. I have been told by one woman that I was by leagues the best sex she’s ever had (and to take her word at it, she’d had a LOT with a LOT of different men. I did not appreciate listening to that part, but the summary made it kinda okay); and by another that I was in no uncertain terms, downright awful (and she told all her friends how bad I was. Great fun.). One girlfriend even bought me a book called ‘How to please your woman’ – a whole book! Fark me. Scribble ‘…even more’ in the title and it wouldn’t have hurt so much.
So please, if you grab a guy’s hand, and glide it over your bits, or take our hips and steer them, we’ll be forever indebted, because you women are so different. Some like direct clitoral stimulation that is so forceful and direct it reminds me of using an eraser to remove a drawing of a cock from a school book before the teacher saw it; and some women flip out like you’ve lit a fire under them because you were just thinking about their clit. TEACH US. We need to know. And make your ‘Yep that’s the spot’ moan vastly different to your ‘Erk no, definitely not that’ moan. Preferably the latter would be stony silence.
And err, ladies: We fake it too.
Yep. It’s harder, and takes way more cunning because we have a biological reaction that needs to be simulated (I’m talking about spunk), or a cunning misdirection to hide it. Condoms make this easy – because you can whip it off and toss it at the bin and a girl who’s never dealt with a jizz-filled condom won’t think ‘He didn’t tie that in a knot’ but we do that, to stop our goo gluing the rubbish together and brewing a horrible stank.
Unprotected, I would occasionally just stop. Not make a big deal about it, just stop pumping. She’d be waiting for the evidence to re-emerge. And waiting. Then a few minutes later she might say “Did you….” and I’d say “Hrmm?” and hopefully she’d be too shy to say “Did you come?” but if she did I’d say “I think so” Haaa! Like I wouldn’t know. Hilarious. But yeah, that’s easier than an explanation – cos if you think men are upset by not making a woman have an orgasm, try telling a girl ‘I’m just not going to’.
The other option is to pretend to ejaculate somewhere else, obviously not on your ass, face or tits, but grab a discarded shirt and pretend to blow in it and drop it on the floor. No girl goes looking for goo. Goo is gross. Any girl freaky enough to go looking for goo is probably just cranky you didn’t shoot it in her eye while calling her names. She’ll cope with the disappointment.
I have one mate who admitted to whipping out and spitting a golly on a girl’s butt so she would mistake the warm phlegm splat for spunk. I don’t know how he explained the strange hacking sound. Perhaps she thought that was him having a ‘real’ orgasm.