I had lunch with a friend yesterday, I hadn’t seen her in a while and she brought me up to speed on her life and the men who were in it. Most notably, she talked about a man she’d met online, who she’d been chatting to for a number of weeks – a decent enough bloke apparently, and despite never having met him (yes, a slow burner) seemed to be fairly intelligent and un-offensive.
My friend had liked him quite a bit and was happy with the way things were going – until a few days ago, when he sent her something – I’m not going to offer prizes for the right guess, as the offending text seems to be the ‘virtual foreplay’ du jour, yep, she got a dick pic.
What do we call them nowadays? Cock shots, dick pics, sex selfies? Either way, they never fail to bewilder me. When will men get it – a random close up of your penis (no filter – Eurgg) is *not* a turn on – I mean ffs at least give it a vintage hue.
I get the thought process behind it. Men presuming that, just as they get an instant erection the minute they see a nipple, women will be turned one by seeing an erect penis flash up on their screen.
But sadly, it doesn’t really work like that.
Make no mistake, I love a good Red Tube session as much as the next girl but it’s when I’m in the mood, not when I’ve just come out of the gym or I’m on the phone trying to sort out my residents permit with Camden council, and certainly not, as was the case with said victim, before you’ve even met them.
I also don’t think willies are ugly per se, in context and properly groomed they’re not at all hard on the eye. However, there is something so graphic and immediate about a purple snake winking at your through your Iphone 6 – at 4pm on a Sunday afternoon.
Whatever happened to a bit of a build up?
The men who send dick pictures are the same men who think that women like booty calls – that popping round for a quick knob-fest is a turn on. Yes, spontaneous sex is awesome and actually I’m very much of the ‘little and often’ school of thought, but when a man suggests coming round on a first date without so much as a large Sauvignon Blanc beforehand – it’s about as arousing as ordering your Ocado delivery, I don’t care how handsome you are.
Because here’s the thing – sex isn’t just physical, it’s mental too, especially for women – we like a bit of build up, some foreplay (and no 3 texts don’t count)
Being teased, tempted and made to wait, at least until the end of an evening, is sexy – similarly not knowing *exactly* what your cock looks under the fluorescent light of your bathroom is far sexier than having a record of every vein and pube to show our friends (which, we do – all the time, obvs.)
If you want to have sex with a girl, try, at least, to save the dick pics until you’ve met – a bit of subtly goes a long way, and even then you’re risking coming across as a bit of a knob, both literally and metaphorically.
Either that or you’ll become the star of a new Whatsapp group entitled HAHA!! with seventeen female members.
On the plus side we were kept highly entertained for the best part of an hour and I barely touched my roast – nothing like a pair of saggy balls and a big pink penis to put you off your meat and two veg.
Ahem, you’re welcome.