Suspicious Minds – Why It’s Never Ok to Check Your Partner’s Phone.

katyinfidelity, relationships6 Comments


It’s no secret that I am a little backward when it comes to technology. I was recently given (aka tied into another two-year contract) a new iPhone 6, it took me two weeks to bother to take it out of the box and I still have no idea what all the fuss is about. It’s a mystery of the modern world why people would queue over-night for the damn thing – and why anyone would choose to stare at a Kindle (*another* screen) instead of tucking into a good book on the sofa is quite beyond me.

So as we were, phones and how we all love them so. On this subject I had a conversation with a friend recently who was in turmoil over her failing relationship. She’d suspected her boyfriend of cheating recently and, in a moment of jealousy, took it upon herself to check his phone for any evidence that might confirm her suspicions.

She checked his phone and found nothing.

So everything’s ok then! Relationship back on track with her relieved and him none the wiser that his girlfriend is a paranoid 12-year-old girl disguised as a 32-year-old woman.

It was at this point I took a deep breath before banging my head against the nearest brick wall.

The checking of another person’s phone, is never ok.

Because here’s the thing – regardless of what you find on a person’s phone the simple fact that you are checking it is enough to mean you are in the wrong relationship.

‘Oh, but it’s not personal! I do it with all the guys I’m with!’

… or that you need 4 years of intensive therapy.

Checking your boyfriend’s phone, stalking their Facebook page, following them down dark alleys at night wearing dark glasses and a Panama hat, the method you choose to investigate your partner is of no relevance, what is of relevance is the fact that there is no trust in the relationship and it is therefore a total waste of both your time.

Depressingly it’s not just normal folk at it either. I read recently that both Katie Price and Kelly Brook have made their partners change their passwords and pin numbers on all hand-held devices so they have full access to their received calls, messages and texts.
What the actual fuck? In this case, not only are you in a shit relationship (see above) you are also turning yourself into his angry mother. You’re paranoid, angry, distrusting, controlling. He’s beaten down, resentful, claustrophobic and no offence gals, is only prepared to agree to your conditions because you’ve got far more dough than him and he’s enjoying living off the fat of the land.

Stop it immediately.

No self-respecting woman should check a phone. Tempting as it might be lying there while he’s in the shower and a ‘new message’ pops up, the fact that it is crossing your mind means that you are in the wrong relationship or have serious (and yes actually they are serious) jealousy issues which are highly destructive and a sign of something far deeper than a case of ‘it’s no big deal, I always do it’.
Relationships are supposed to be fun, life-enriching and about mutual trust and understanding. It’s woo-woo but hell, it’s true. The minute they are not, forget it.

I have no time for people who look through phones and I have no time for people who forgive people who look through phones.

And if you do it because you like the drama … try setting up a new iPhone 6 – catching your boyfriend sexting will feel like a yoga class on a Tibetan mountain in comparison.

katySuspicious Minds – Why It’s Never Ok to Check Your Partner’s Phone.

6 Comments on “Suspicious Minds – Why It’s Never Ok to Check Your Partner’s Phone.”

  1. Ollie

    I did this with an ex. I came to the realisation that a) it was not a good relationship and b) it made it into a paranoid wreck. Checking and finding nothing incriminating will not make you more secure in your relationship anyway. Trust the person and you need not care who is messaging them. In my experience, partners that are paranoid often make the other person more likely to be dishonest and sometimes becomes a self fulfilling prophecy!

    1. katy

      absolutely! it’s tempting with so much access to ‘potential evidence’ with phones, social media etc etc but I think it can be SO damaging for a relationship. Fatal in fact!

  2. Deborah

    Okay so I definitely agree with the entire concept that this is wrong.. However, I think in my situation we may find a “right” somewhere. I am a basically intelligent woman of 47 years old, two teenagers at home, divorced for 6 years – yes dating alot.

    This guy were dating for 6 months – he was a wreck as his divorce wasn’t over – and he never, ever while we were dating took his profile down off POF. So I knew he was not ready!! I should have stopped it at the 3 month mark – when you know someone well enough to know if it is going to work or not. I didn’t.

    So it was Valentines Day…..2 AM in the morning and needless to say I was in his bed. I got up to use the bathroom – and his phone out in the living room was buzzing, buzzing, buzzing. He woke up and started to panic – he thought his phone was in the bedroom – I found it – and well as I was going to hand it to him – it was buzzing with messages popping up such as “Happy Valentines Day Sweetheart” – 3X and 3 different women. What bothered me most he claimed it was “friends and family members”.

    Problem – it was 2AM in the morning and well with that excuse – I walked out and never turned back!

    Fatal and still crushed

    1. katy

      thanks for sharing! Although, this is more a case of you accidentally seeing it, the problem occurs I think, when people deliberately go looking for ‘evidence’ and the hunt for proof over-shadows everything else in the relationship. Regardless, your ex sounds like a right twat and you’re best off out of it!

  3. P

    I’ve only done it once, 13 years ago. It was clear in black and white so i kicked him out and changed the locks. It had to be done!! :) in that case, i did the right thing.

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