I am so glad that’s over. There is very little I find more depressing than a drizzly Bank Holiday Monday. They’re worse than Sunday’s in their lull and anti-climax and, most depressingly, they’re totally and utterly built for couples.
Is it illegal on Bank Holiday to leave the house without holding someone’s hand? Because, fuck me, on my high street if I had a pound for every smug couple wearing chinos and carrying a copy of The Guardian under their arm I’d have more money than Philip Green by now. Easter, a perfect time for chocolate, hot cross buns, and smug couples.
Bitter? Twisted? A heart of stone and soul of the devil … you better believe it, Baby.
See here’s the thing, I have no problem with couples per say, (although it should be noted that I find it worrying that in a modern society you are still seen as somewhat of an amoeba if you’re without a plus one.) I just have a problem with couples that have tattoos on they’re foreheads saying I’m with him (points arrow in direction of boyfriend) and I’m with her (points arrow in direction of girlfriend) Wtf? We know you’re together, now let go of each others hands for a minute and have a row like normal people! What are you, a cancerous growth??
For those of you that are yet to come across the species of which I talk, although God knows, they seem to be everywhere these days, allow me to offer you a few pointers, that you may distinguish them more easily in future.
- Although apparent during the week said species tend to become more visible on Sundays, scattered liberally through out the country they are, however, most likely to be found on mass in areas such as Notting Hill, Dartmouth Park, Primrose Hill and Clapham, to name but a few.
Other hot spots across the country include The Cotswolds, Aldeburgh, Windsor and Cornwall where they have been spotted with similar, albeit slightly older varieties or themselves, more commonly known as smug couples smug parents.
- Regardless of their whereabouts, they will inevitably be linked through arm or hand and in extreme cases have an additional mini smug strapped to their chest. More likely the male of the couple will be carrying said smug sprog in demonstration that they, as a couple, are both equal and modern and he, himself, is metrosexual/hands-on/perfect.
Like many of the activities of the species, this will be done, primarily, for the benefit of the general public; thus enhancing the ‘look at us, aren’t we perfect’ element of the couple and, in turn, increasing the smugness of the relationship. Mini smug will be named either Hugo, Finn or Oscar.
-For a guaranteed sighting observe the following.
Rising at around 11, after a long leisurely lie in, (late cocktails with more smugs at Soho house, The Electric or any bar in Shoreditch) the smugs proceed to fuel up with freshly ground coffee (NEVER instant) and head out for a relaxing walk over the heath/park/common before heading to a gastro pub nearby, him reading The Guardian, her reading the Sunday Times Style section, him eating a beef roast, her eating a mixed mezze plate, both drinking red.
Said species likes include –
- Celebrating quarterly anniversaries.
- Ice skating at Somerset House.
- Hosting ‘hilarious’ mock Come Dine With Me ‘couples only’ dinner parties.
- Volunteering to organise street parties for royal weddings/jubilees.
- Hiring Boris bikes and spending Saturday afternoons whiling away the hours along the Thames. (Whiling – they MUST be whiling)
- Offering advice to poor lonely singletons about the best way to get a boyfriend, “Don’t worry, there’s someone for everyone” ,“ I was as miserable and bitter as you until (insert wankers name here) came along”, “What is it with you single people, just can’t meet a man can you!? don’t worry Barry in HR is single, fancy a blind date!” Laugh, laugh scoff, scoff.
- Making sure every form of social media is fully aware of their relationship status, as regularly and as smugly as possible.
- Running along white sandy beaches together and splashing each other with water in a flirtatious manner.
- Adding the fact they are in a relationship to every sentence regardless of its relevance – “would you like a 5p bag for your shopping?” ….” Oh no, it’s fine I brought my own, my girlfriend’s a real stickler for the environment!”
- Holding scathing views of singles and their choice of time spending “Yeah, half a bottle of good Shiraz is enough for me these days, to be honest I can’t see the point of getting blind drunk every weekend, it’s just not my thing anymore”.
- Giving up gym memberships in favour of running together on the common.
- Wearing matching Ray bans.
- Choosing artisan breads in Wholefoods.
- Booking tables of 18 (even numbers only) at gastro pubs.
Said species dislikes include –
- Anything that could possibly associate or remind them of being single.
I am not suggesting ALL couples behave in such a way, but sadly, there are some that still linger, utterly oblivious to the offense they are causing. Why, it’s fortunate I am blessed with a stomach of steel, I fear if my constitution were any less solid I’d need to walk around with a sick bag about my person every weekend.
So for those of you in relationships, do us all a favour and chill the fuck out. You’re together, you’re in love, you like Merlot and deck shoes and weekends in the Cotswolds, WE GET IT.
That being said I wouldn’t worry too much, in a year or so the arguments will start, the sex will stop and we’ll all be able to breathe a big sigh of relieve. Thought we’d lost you for a minute then …