I was chatting with a friend today. He is a worldly gentleman who has recently entered into a new relationship. By all accounts it is going well and he is happy to have a new and exciting love interest in his life. After an extended period of being single it would seem he has found a significant other to share, at least, a mulled wine and a happy New Year with. Nothing, after all, quite stokes up a bit of Christmas cheer like a snog under the mistletoe or a bit of Holly bush.
However, there is an area of concern. That is not to say it is the potential ruin of the fledgling relationship, just an issue which he has never encountered before. The dame ain’t got no shout.
The silent orgasm … discuss.
There is no question that a major contributing factor to the joy of sex, and, indeed, sex with new partners, is the lure of the unexpected. I think it would be fair to say we all have different preferences when it comes to the bedroom, and it is exactly this which makes bedroom frivolities so exciting and varied. However, when it comes to letting your partner know they are heading in the right direction or have hit the exact location … let the bells ring out at Christmas time.
There is of course the exact opposite, when a person can over do the climax and, not only give Meg Ryan a run for her money, but make you feel like you are taking part in an audition for a new Andrew Lloyd Webber reality TV show.
Worse still, is the swearer. A friend of mine dated a man once, older than herself, by a number of years, and quite the perfect gentleman on a night out. Despite being perfectly reasonable in bed, he couldn’t help but call her a f***ing bitch every time he climaxed. She understood, that bedroom conversation is often slightly more fruity than general tea break chatter, but to be unable to climax without screaming obscenities 2 inches from her face, could at times, and quite understandably, be a little off-putting. On the bright side the advantage of being called a total c**t in the middle of lovemaking with a new partner does come with it’s benefits; at least you know when it’s safe to wind things down. There’s no denying that a simple grunt or subtle shudder would be preferable, but, on the whole, the fact that a vocal indication is made helps with the rhythm and mutual understanding of the whole event, does it not?
Total silence, on the other hand, not so much.
Total silence could not only mis-lead the giver into believing that the orgasm you have received is fair to satisfactory at best but also makes the love makers job far more difficult, or, worst case, solely reliant on bodily reflexes alone. Now I’m no man, but let’s face it, after a few jars, monitoring the spasmodic formation of a woman’s vagina as indication of when you have fulfilled your criteria strikes me as one of the more challenging things to conquer at 3am on a Saturday night.
Being sexually mute however does come with its advantages. I would imagine it makes the occasional, ‘got to be up at 6 for work’ fake orgasm easier to pull off, after all nothing screams fake orgasm like a screaming fake orgasm. (And please, I implore you, save the ‘yes, yes, yes baby’s’ for the early 90’s RomComs. Does anyone really come like that anymore?)
Likewise it would enable a person to have far more fun in dormitories and work/public transport toilet facilities. The person who has mastered the silent orgasm, is the person, I’d wager, who’s been living in their parent’s spare room for far too long. Walking in on your parents having sex is damaging enough, knowing, every time you make eye contact with your father, that he knows you’re a screamer? Psychological imbalance beyond return.
No, my advice would be to find a happy medium, try to avoid the environmental health unit being called round too regularly for noise pollution but, at the very least, exhale when he hits the spot.
Men need guidance, God love them, and if they’re giving you an orgasm … I’d say that’s a pretty fair swap.