Match.com

katymatch.com, online dating, wankers21 Comments

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You will notice, if you have been a reader of this blog for more than 3 months, that my life works on rather a cycle. I become single, get bored, decide to online date, start to hate online dating, start to loathe online dating, want to shoot myself in the head, come off online dating, decided that dating is over-rated, get bored of thinking dating is over-rated, decide to start online dating, start to hate online dati … 
And so it begins again. 
The only difference between the cycles themselves is that, the more they happen, the shorter the period of time between each episode becomes. 
I am not proud to admit that I have rejoined Match.com. For those of you that are unaware of the site in question, Match.com is an online dating site, who’s advert, rather ironically, features a couple meeting on a train platform, not a computer in sight. Eh? Now I’m no marketing guru but wtf? Next thing we know MacDonald’s will be sponsoring the Olympics.

 Even more confusing then their marketing strategy is the fact that somebody at head office ball parked 30 quid a month as a suitable amount to charge people for their services, on an automatic renewal basis to boot (thieving bastards). Next time I think I may just skip the whole online dating lark and simply tattoo ‘complete mug’ across my forehead. I’m a slave to love. Quite literally. 
So then, I am back on Match. but this time around am dismayed to report it hasn’t even taken a few shit dates to make me want to extract my own eyeballs in a state of hopelessness. Not even, my friends, a few emails, nay, a few profile reviews. It took a wink. 
In the past have been sent nakedness, shaven willies fully erect from near total strangers, I’ve been sent explicit descriptions of gang bangs and I’ve been propositioned after 2 emails from married men but nothing could quite prepare me for what I was about to read. It shocked me to the core. 
Please observe the following. 
Subject –  ;  )

Hello awesome angel, are you a beautiful, intelligent, spiritual, kinky, sensual lady with a big personality and heart to match.
I am looking for You! Where are you? Its been a long time finding you. Your heart and your vibration awesomeness..
Energetic, enthusiastic, fulfilling your potential, empowered, let us shine and become as One in all layers of life.
From sunrise to sunset.Love Life, love People, appreciate beauty inside out and outside in.
It is a rare thing for me to be left speechless. I am left speechless. 
Awesome angel? Spiritual and kinky? Become as one? Sunrise?? SUNSET?? VIBRATION AWESOMENESS!??????
There is a reason I am considering remaining totally asexual for the rest of my life. This is it. Please God, someone tell me, what kind of mind altering near death experience a man must have gone through to think that the above profile would make them remotely appealing to anyone? Genuinely, and without a shred of sarcasm, I cannot imagine how damaged an individual must be to use, nay, invent, the term ‘vibration awesomeness’. Perhaps it is a form of Tourettes? Except instead of obscenities, a subconscious stream of utter tripe leaves ones mouth, poetic diarrhoea or IBS … insincere bullshit syndrome.

I pray for this man that there is a medical explanation.
Because without that, let’s get one thing straight, for all you benefit of the doubt givers; this man is not a gentle romantic. He is no more a genuine, lonely soul looking for a life partner than I am a virgin. He is quite clearly deranged and should be avoided at all costs. 

I would sooner a man told me he was on day release for murdering his ex-wife than that he wanted to shine and become as one with me, what the fuck is he? A fucking light bulb?
Men, please, I implore you, leave the bullshit at the door. This is not romantic, it’s frigging terrifying. I am imagining you in a brown raincoat masturbating in the back row of an amateur dramatic poetry reading. I don’t want to shine, I don’t want to vibrate or appreciate or become as one. I want to cancel my membership and become a lesbian. 
Romance isn’t dead … what a pity.  
katyMatch.com

21 Comments on “Match.com”

  1. marvellousmisskate

    I recognise this oh so much! Used to be an OKC person – twice in fact – and both times have been terrible! Most recent I got someone who was after some no strings attached fun and was very strong about that, and within a day (because I hadn’t responded) he changed tack to be some sort of tea swilling gentleman who’d take me out for afternoon tea. Talk about mixed messages! Another I was quite interested in, and he was one of those who’d been hurt in a previous relationship and wasn’t looking for anything serious. Fine. Before we even met up, he had a previous date and decided he was madly in love!!

    So bored of online dating and the bullshit it entails, but I’ll be back for more at some point I just know it!

    1. Katy

      and what cracks me up is that i actually find it quite a compliment that they bothered to take the time out of their hateful little lives to write a comment … bring on the trolls lol

  2. Tia

    All sounds familiar to me too!!! Even more worrying is that each time I log on to OKC I see a list of people I’ve already met.. from off of Match.. haha opps.. I use completely different pictures (all recent though) Even have the same people messaging me with similar bullshit emails from one site to another!

    Anonymous: Takes one to know one so us Dicks enjoy the sadistic pleasure of attracting other dicks via the medium of the internet dating sites! Isn’t that what we’re looking for.. a nice dick?

    1. Katy

      I’ve seen men on match who i have seen online on other less ‘respectable’ sites, shall we say! in fact i was seeing someone once who i met through Mysinglefriend, we were seeing each other for around 3 months and i saw him on another site. I set up a fake profile and I’ll let you figure out the rest… it was an interesting experiment to say the least!

  3. Maggie

    Its so worrying. One does wonder about oneself what it is that attracts the weirdos. For instance, I was on a dating site where at least 6 men who live on a canal barge contacted me. Thats a pretty high percentage, especially considering that I’ve never in real life met anyone who lives on a barge. WHAT is it about me that makes a barge-dweller think that I would be a good match for them? I can assure you I’d rather gouge my own tit off with a blunt spoon than date a man who lives on a boat. Also the ones who are really looking for women in the age category 50-65 but have kindly made an exception for me. Its enough to question my own existence and identity.

    And I’ll give you a free pointer lads – using a proposal of marriage as an introductory email is more likely to get you a delete than a date. Just saying.

    May the lord have mercy on us all. Fucking hell.

  4. Tia

    And claiming to be after kink and sex only yet on the mainstream sites they’re looking for a soul mate to settle and have babies with… Bless us all… I’m not after babies but do flit from day to the next for what I want so perhaps no better?

  5. Anonymous

    You speak the truth Katy! Love your blog and you are hysterical. Don’t know why Kerry Katona had to post your a d-k but she clearly has penis envy! Long may you reign.

  6. Juli

    Oh my…

    Vibration awesomeness.

    Seriously… cancel the membership and see what the other side of the fence has to offer. Perhaps it will just be awesome. Or vibration. Whatever. It’s still better than combining the two.

    1. Katy

      haha, i know bizarre isn’t it?! i can only imagine he wasn’t english speaking and was over-using google thesaurus, i absolutely loathe that insincere bullshit, it makes my heart weep for the men that write and the women that fall for it!!

  7. Anonymous

    Hooray for the frank and direct Katy! I cant get my head around dating sites, i felt like i was going nuts when all i had was txts and phone calls from them, i lost the urge long before i mustered the verve to go on a date with any of the prospects. One profile mentioned wine and alcohol in SO many sentences that i was convinced i was staring at the ramblings of a raging alcoholic, as much as i like a bit of inebriation . And how to put oneself across? wtf? Box yourself please into our tiny categories so we can make unconscious assumptions based on your word choice of the day or current flippant attitude. And on the day that you rejoin the dating site are you actually in the frame of mind that best represents you? usually not …..probably drunk and rambling about wine enough times to make people think you’re a walking brewery? Thats the thing , how to respect and trust a guy that got hold of me on the basis of my desperate for a date stance .. sheesh. And assuming he thinks in a similar way? doomed. I prefer the traditional method of meeting at a bar or a party or a train platform….. and dont we all, its the smell you see and the small unwritten lines between a moving facial expression , its the hidden unconscious signals in that 1st seven seconds or so that tell you everything you want to know. Also, alarmingly, i am frankly bored with most people after 10 minutes .Thus the loosing the urge after some txt or phone call. Because of this next time i’m” bored with thinking dating is over rated” (hahaha oh the cycles! ) I think i’ll try speed dating.

    1. Katy

      you’re absolutely right, my profile says nothing about me, i often think i should cut the crap and just post a ling to my blog, that would soon sort the men from the boys! I’ve got into the habit of having contact, but the minute it gets to the ‘shall we chat on the phone’ stage i just can’t be bothered and give up.
      Speed dating is definitely an option but tbh it feels like same shit different name in a way, oh for the days of real time eh?!

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