I was approached this week by a dating site. Apparently they follow my blog and are interested in ‘collaborating’ with me. I’m guessing, by which they mean, I write a blog post on how good their site is and you all join it. Everyone’s a winner, almost.
Sadly, being a sex and relationship blog, there is little I can promote. I’m not the slightest bit interested in writing about lipstick and fake tan, I can buy my own condoms and credit my readers with a little more intelligence than 1000 words littered with 45 ‘hidden’ links referring back to the same site, of which has no relevance to the topic in hand. I might reconsider, totally sell out and reduce my blog to an ongoing advertorial If they can offer me a membership for life with an endless supply of hot boys or the man of my dreams with a permanent hard on at my doorstep tomorrow, unfortunately, however, I doubt this will be the case.
The site in question is unlike your standard dating site. It markets itself as a matchmaking site, one which, for a small fee, guarantees to match you up by way of ‘in-depth profiles and trained psychologists’ in order to find you the perfect match. The ‘small fee’ in question is eight thousand pounds. Man alive, and there’s me moaning about 40 quid a month on Match.com.
Love, it seems, does not come cheap.
For somebody that thought they knew a lot about dating I’m clearly way behind on the financial side of things, either that or I need to ask for a pay rise. Eight thousand pounds people!? That’s a lorra, lorra love.
Surely to God, even for ‘busy professionals’ there has got to be an easier ways to get a shag than re-mortgaging your house to pay trained psychologists? Last time I looked, you could get Sophie Anderton as a live-in naked cleaner for half that price, and that was before the recession!
I’m not suggesting the site doesn’t work, far from it, anyone who parts with that kind of wedge is serious about a wife … or a blow-job. I’m simply suggesting that there has got to be better ways to spend eight grand in a bid to find ‘the one’?
Some ideas, if you will …
- How about you cut out the middle man and become a trained psychologist yourself! It’s been a while since i’ve been able to call myself a student but, I believe, for an extra grand you could get yourself a First Class Hons at Oxford, shag half the year in Freshers week and get a few letters after your name to boot. Why pay someone else to tell you that you’re sensitive and like animals when in small four years you’ll be able to brain wash half a final year faculty into thinking you’re Brad Pitt.
- Don’t fancy going back to school? Simply join Twitter and change your bio to ‘Desperate and rich. Have money, will pay.’ There are 500 million people on Twitter, shouldn’t take too long to find ‘Desperate and poor. Have debt, will blow’ Ah, true love runneth smooth.
- Buy a trip around the world, or a direct flight to Thailand. Who needs compatibility when you can buy yourself a wife, a house on the beach and a life times supply of Bintang. If nothing else, you’ll come back with a blinding tan and an STD, there are something’s money just can’t buy.
- Donate your worldly possessions to charity. Nothing gets the girls like a big heart and an open pocket. Either that or give it all to a religious sect. If you can’t get a shag in a commune … you know the rest.
- Have plastic surgery/penis enlargement. (Come on boys, you know who you are … Yes, it does matter.)
- Join Match.com. Go on dates. Pay for alcohol, lots of it.
- Give me eight grand, I’ll shag you.
Then, and only then pay ‘trained psychologists’ to find you a wife.
No fool like a fool looking for love … don’t say I didn’t warn you.