I have decided to start online dating again. It has been at least 3 months now since I have dated a complete stranger who bores me senseless and whom I have no intention of ever seeing again, I feel like I am missing out. Sitting in my flat last night flitting between Facebook, Twitter, eBay and posting bad reviews about my ex-boyfriends company on various consumerist websites under phoney pseudonyms I decided that perhaps it would be conducive to a healthy social life and lessen my repetitive internet brain injury to set myself up with a few dates. I am after all, a girl that flourishes best under the direct light of male attention.
It is taking me a great deal of effort to appear ‘fresh’ online. Having used online dating sites for a good few years, I could come across to some as a little jaded. Bitter, sarcastic and droll even, can you imagine. That being said after so long in the game I now have a very specific set of rules that I would have my gentleman daters adhere to.
There are certain rules that men should be issued with before they online date. Basic schoolboy errors that I see repeated time and time again. Forget having a clear head shot and telling everyone how much you like Jackie Chan movies; there is a myriad of no-no’s, so much so I have had to break down my rules into categories. Today the dreaded profile picture. Single men please observe the following.
- Never under any circumstances, no matter how much you work out, issue a topless profile picture. In young men this says I have minimal brain capacity and take steroids which leads to erectile dysfunction and anger issues. In older men, (and trust me when I say I have seen men in there 60’s sans shirt) I have a yellow sports car, listen to Status Quo and shave my pubic hair. There is something utterly repulsive and mortifying about an older man exposing wilting nipples, total disillusionment. Being in reasonably good nick for your age does not mean we all want to see it. And holiday snaps are not an excuse. Period.
(I once received a message from a balding man sitting in a bath hands waving and face grinning in the manner of a French mime artist, I have never quite recovered and to this day loose sleep over who he assigned to take the snap)
- Do not include animals in your photos. Call me suspicious, and I’m sure you know my views on men and dogs by now, but selling you with an animal just makes me think of 70’s pornos. At best I imagine you as a man that describes his flea bag as his best buddy at worst I am visualizing you asleep with a pair of balls on the pillow next to you with permanent aromas of Pedigree Chum about your person.
- Ditto regarding small children. Fine you may be a great father, fine you may be a loving uncle and understood you want to come across as the warm, cuddly, paternal type. But a profile picture of you with a 3 year old on your lap, do I need to explain? What pray tell do you list as your hobbies – annual volunteering at the local Village Hall as Father Christmas, you get me?.
- Standing next to a sports car does not say you are wealthy and fun it says you have a small penis and most likely want to call me mummy in bed. (The same can be said for all other type of ‘boy toys’ – bikes, aeroplanes, jet skis and the like. Women tend not to care about engines unless they are Russian prostitutes)
- Go easy on the ‘wacky faces’ I’m sure you’re a laugh a minute and the right regular clown of the party, but at what point did you think you would meet a girlfriend by sticking your tongue out and wearing comedy Groucho Marx glasses. Simply put, you look like a twat. The type that takes your seat away when you are going to sit down in a restaurant, hides your car keys as a ‘joke’ or hacks you’re twitter account to tell everyone ‘how much I lurrvee my boyfriend coz he’s got such a big dick’ only men who stick their tongue out and wear comedy Groucho Marx glasses find this type of humour funny. Don’t be one of them.
- Us girls aren’t a silly, we understand that at a certain age skimming a few years off is pretty standard, that we all want to present ourselves in the best light possible, but scanning a grainy yellow photo of yourself wearing stonewashed denim with a poster for Live Aid in the background may raise a few suspicions. We are not expecting a daily photo update but something from this decade is appreciated.
- And finally the no photo at all profile. You are incompetent of using a computer (and therefore most likely in your 60’s) fat, married, down right ugly or all 4. Being ‘embarrassed’ to be online dating does not wash either. You are doing it, deal with it. You are also indirectly insulting the girl you are messaging and should reword your profile name as ‘spineless half-heart77’
To refresh – smile, look clean, be current and go easy on accessories be it children, yellow cars, ‘crazzzy’ wigs or gold chains, and for Christ’s sake saxxyjohn01, get out of the frigging bath.