Pet names are the devil’s creation – code words for all smug couples, who, not content with endless PDA’s at every possible opportunity, totally forget they are grown adults with adult names and start calling each other snuggles and boo-boo.
If it has ever crossed your mind to call your partner by a pet name, you are already on thin ice, and don’t even *think* about using the following.
Bunny, pups, kitten, chimpy.
Unless you live in a petting zoo or pay a dominatrix two-hundred quid an hour to feed you carrots while you where an adult-size squirrel costume, steer clear of animal names.
2. Pudding / muffin
Makes you sound like a something that should be on special offer in the bakery section at Morrisons or a ten-year-old at a fat camp. Not sexy.
3. Baby girl
How old are you, four and a half?
Baby girl isn’t so much patronising as it is just a bit bloody weird – either that or sounds like something out of an R Kelly song.
And we all know what happened to him.
4. Sweet cheeks
… Love and Princess.
Used ironically by the middle/upper classes.
Fine (and quite sexy) when used with a genuine cockney accent, categorically not fine when used by your privately educated toff boyfriend.
Worse still, when a middle-class hipster working in an independent coffee shop in Shoreditch calls you ‘love’, with no sense of irony whatsoever, but because he ‘might have grown up in St Albans but his granddad was born in Bow’.
If you’re going to pet name your partner – try not to make it the food enemy du jour.
*So* last year.
6. Private joke names
Like any private jokes between couples, private joke names are only remotely funny or interesting to the users.
There is only one thing worse than private joke pet names, and that’s the ‘hilarious’ story behind the private joke pet names.
Possibly the least sexy of all the pet names.
When your boyfriend starts calling you mate, he doesn’t actually think you are his mate, he wants to break up with you but hasn’t got the balls to tell you.
Are you Cornish? Are you Vanessa Paradis? Well, then stop it.
What the f**k is Bae?
According to Urban Dictionary it’s the internet’s word for baby, sweetie etc
It also means shit in Danish.
Oh God, somebody make it stop.
11. Schnuggly wuggles (or anything similar)
Far too wordy and vom-inducing.
If you want to fill your mouth with something in a relationship – make sure it’s not this.
12. Mummy/ Daddy
Used by middle class couples with children.
Daddy – ‘Mummy’s going to the shops now’
Make no mistake, I’m all for a bit of role-play in the bedroom, but calling your partner Daddy or Mummy on a day-to-day basis is unnecessary and will destroy any flicker of sex life you once had.
A worse version of Mummy/Daddy – adults referring to each other with names they picked up from their toddler.
You might think it’s cute that the first word your child said was Baba, yeah, and once you were an fully- functioning adult with more to talk about than nappies and NCT groups.
Are you playing bridge in a nursing home and about to celebrate your golden wedding anniversary?
Then stop it immediately.
The written pet name used by bored housewives and smug-marrieds on online forums like Mumsnet.
Meaning … Darling Husband.
Please, just f**k the f**k off.
That is all.