So, it’s the ‘thing’ of the moment – you can’t pick up a magazine, turn on the TV or have a conversation with a women in her late thirties that doesn’t revolve around the subjects of wellness ,mindfulness and gratitude.
Don’t get my wrong, I love a bowl of quinoa as much as the next person but really, aren’t we all taking it all a bit too far? What happened to getting pissed on a friday night without being judged, or shagging a barman without having to naval gaze for two hours about self-esteem?
Can’t we sometimes just *not* be so f***ing grateful all the time?
15 annoying things about the wellness revolution - and why, sometimes, I wish my inner chakras would just do one.
1. Mumbo jumbo
‘Align the universe to stimulate your divine femininity’
What the f**k does that even mean? And don’t get me started on the inspirational quotes every timeline I’m on gets trashed with daily -
‘A grateful heart is the beginning of greatness – It is an expression of humility’, ‘Go with light, Go with love, Go with gratitude’
Karmic white noise buzzing in my head – somebody make it stop.
Apps, workshops, classes and groups – mindfulness is a user-friendly word for meditation most often guided by a Scottish bloke who sounds like he should be doing voiceovers for Morrisons – and is perfectly designed makes you feel guilty every time you a have a thought that isn’t about waterfalls and rippling waves.
3. People thanking/blaming/asking the universe
My relationship ended because it was the universe telling me I needed to move on.
Nope, love, your relationship ended because your boyfriend started shagging Dawn from HR.
4. ’Clearing’ your soul of toxic history to make room for new love to enter
… Or what used to be known as bitching about your ex-boyfriend down the pub with a few mates and a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc.
5. Being grateful
I’m so grateful for my commute to work! I’m so grateful I’ve got a Monday morning 3 hour meeting! I’m so grateful my Ocado delivery arrived on time!
Newsflash: you don’t *have* to be grateful for everything.
6. Being #Blessed
7. Spiritual healers
Who ask for a minimum ‘donation’ of £150 a session and live off the Holloway Road.
Yeah, I get it, you only have to have a double G&T before 3pm these days and you’re branded an alcoholic – sobriety is just so on-trend and no good party is complete without an extensive list of over-priced mocktails.
But, I’m going to put it out there, I’m nearly forty, and still love getting rat-arsed.
9. Voting Green
… Despite having absolutely no idea about any of their policies.
10. Being Gluten/Dairy/Wheat and Sugar free
Oh no, but you don’t understand, I’m intolerant!
Yeah, you and the rest of West London.
11. People pretending they do yoga for anything other than toned arms
Fess up, you couldn’t give a shit about aligning your Chakras, you just want a six-pack.
12. Wellbeing weekends
That cost 500 quid but ‘everyone is welcome’.
13. And spiritual retreats
A place to get away and totally reset your mind, body and spirit.
Just make sure there’s wifi, so you can upload a picture of you doing transcendental meditation in a Melissa Obabash bikini every 10 minutes.
14. Being high on life
Sex, drugs and Grey Goose vodka make you high on life.
15. Pitying people who haven’t seen the light
It’s such a pity she can’t have a good time without alcohol, still eats gluten and can’t recognise that her disrupted energy is just the universe’s way of sending her a message that with change, the future holds wonderful things that will bless her.
Fuck that, where’s the gin.