How to Spot a W**ker Online.

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Online dating – what’s not to love? Countless single men lining up to take you out and shower you with love. Who’d have known there were so many compatible matches out there and where would we be without the likes of Match, Tinder and Happn.


Me neither.

Because here’s the thing, on paper, the dawn of internet dating and the increased popularity of it should mean that being single is fast becoming a thing of the past, something our grandparents tell us about that happened ‘back in the day’, in reality – more of us are single now than ever before.


Your new boyfriend

Perhaps choice – or the abundance of it, is actually damaging our ability to find compatible matches, or online dating is exposing us to a greater number of people we definitely do *not* want to date rather than those we do – and nothing puts a gal of the idea of investing time in looking for ‘the one’ than two hundred swipe lefts a day.

So. Many. Wankers.


The more I write about dating a relationships the more I recognise there are certain types of men one would do best to avoid online – least of all invest in a night out with – and, whilst I do think the only true test of a person’s personality is to meet face-to-face, in certain cases, you’d probably be wasting your time to bother.

Judging a person on a picture of a profile paragraph? Hell yeah, you’d better believe it.

1. Nipples

The number one thing to avoid, no exceptions made – the nipple.

Men can be simple creatures and think that because they would happily look at boobs all day, every day, we feel the same about their naked torso. This is, sadly, not the case, and no matter what shape your potential date is in, having a profile picture without a top on says one thing – I’m a dickhead (and have zero understanding of a woman’s mind).


Utterly revolting

2. Elephants and enfants

Lions, dogs, small children … stop it immediately. You think you are showing us that you are a kind and sensitive soul, we think you’re going to smell of cat food or enjoy spending your weekends hanging around playgrounds wearing a raincoat.

3. Pictures of you with eight girls on a beach in Thailand

Because you *totally* look like you’re ready for a relationship.

4. Calling us ‘babe’

Now, I’m far from what you would call a militant feminist – in fact, I quite like the odd pet name from time to time, however, ‘babe’?

Eurgg, just so basic. And makes me think you work in Sports Direct – not that there is anything wrong with men who work in Sports Direct.

(So is.)

5. Saying you ‘don’t normally do this sort of thing’?

Could have fooled us love.

You’re online, deal with it.


Looking for an LTR

6. Carpet messaging

‘Hey, you’ve got such a great smile and I love your profile – I think we’d have so much in common, fancy chatting some time?’

Oh my God, I’ve finally found my soulmate!

Is categorically *not* what a girl thinks when she reads this message.

7. Saying ‘hello’

Sounds a bit harsh I agree, and of course, saying ‘hello’ or asking someone how they are in an introductory sentence can be forgiven – using that on its own as your opening line? Unless you are Adele, a little imagination please.

8. Showing us your erect penis after ten minutes

Now, I love a well framed cock pic as much as the next girl, but having a penis fill my iPhone screen ten minutes into a conversation with someone who I’ve never met before isn’t something that necessarily endears me towards them.

If you must porn spam me, at least wait until I’m home from work.


creepy f***er

9. Being online all the time

Yuck, nothing more of a turn off than a man who never logs off. Because, regardless of how keen you are to find yourself a girlfriend (or a bunk up) you’d do well to let us imagine you had something that at least vaguely resembled a life outside of swiping right.

10. Asking if we fancy a chat on the phone

The phone?? Are you F***ING crazy??!



katyHow to Spot a W**ker Online.

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