This dating lark is a strange thing indeed. Books are constantly telling us about how to meet a man, the right way to snare a husband and how to have a ring on our finger within a month of meeting someone. I won’t patronize you, dear readers, by reiterating such information, but instead, thought it might be quite refreshing to present you with a step by step guide on how to totally fuck up a date and ensure you will never see a person again. It’s harder than you think, but I feel that after years of fine-tuning I have finally perfected the art.
‘Oh that’s easy!’ you may scoff. Not so, a few stern words, a bit of cheating or a cheeky fart slipping out might see them off temporarily but chances are they will return. No, in order to make sure that a person will not only delete your number but also make an anonymous phone call to a local mental health institution, please observe the following and allow me to pen the events of a recent date to illustrate my point.Oh that i were joking.
Make sure, before the date, that you have a boozy lunch with friends. In order for the night to go really badly it is imperative you consume as much alcohol during the day as possible. I would recommend a bottle of wine and a few ‘festive’ shots as a minimum. Start around midday if possible to ensure that, come date time, you have a musty booze smell about your person akin to a down and out sleeping rough on Kentish Town High Street and the whites of your eyes are tinged slightly yellow.
Despite best intentions also make sure that you don’t bother going home to change or freshen up (you will find that this instruction becomes easier once you are on your 4th hour of daytime drinking). A quick fanny splash and stick of Wrigley’s are acceptable, but keep knickers unchanged and mascara dried.
Make sure you’re late. Not fashionably so, annoyingly so. Then greet your date with a half an hour rant about your taxi driver being a neo- Nazi. Instead of asking him politely about how his week was and whether he is looking forward to Christmas, update him on ‘Fema Camps,’ ‘Agenda 21’ and ‘Building 7’, all key elements of World War 3 (which according to Barry the Addison Lee driver is to take place next year). Your date, by now, should have experienced the full impact of your booze breath and have subconscious images in his psyche of concentration camps and imminent Armageddon.
If you feel compelled to give your date a Christmas gift do so, but make sure you follow up the offering by telling him how you didn’t know whether to give it to him or not so you asked 800 Twitter followers for advice. This will not only completely kill the act of kindness but also make him wonder what else you have told half the country about. Pepper words such as gossip, rumour and tittle-tattle about the conversation too, men love a bit of discretion.
If it is an indoor date, make sure you carry on boozing heavily and ideally smoke a few fags in his front room. Don’t worry too much about literally aiming for the ashtray when flicking ash, this act of consideration will only encourage him to think that you are tidy and house proud.
Make sure once you are seated that you talk about yourself non-stop, there is no room for error here and giving him a moment to voice his opinions, will only lead to a balanced and mutual conversation. When you have made it quite clear you aren’t interested in what he has to say, steer the conversation onto topics which are both inappropriate and repetitive. Ex-boyfriends for example, how you want to start a new anonymous blog on which you can be a real cunt. Quote, unquote. (Say the word cunt loudly and with venom – really make him understand that beneath the cool exterior lies a complete bitch from hell waiting to reveal herself. Sow the seed in his mind that, should he pursue the relationship, you will inevitably turn out foul mouthed, abusive and borderline psychotic.) For best results, relay stories you have told him before, thus confirming to him that you are a hardened drinker, so much so, that you have black outs, total memory lapses and the inability to keep track on conversations you had 2 days ago.
When he comes on to you, let’s call it the farewell fuck, push him off and tell him you need a quick piss first, (yes use those exact words) before taking your clothes off and reminding him you want to be back by 12 so he had better make it quick.
Post lovemaking laugh out loud. When he asks you what is so funny say nothing. Leave abruptly and relay the entire date to the cab driver on the way home before going to bed with your tights and make up on.
My method of detraction is 100% water tight and I can assure you, from recent personal experience, there will be no future texts, phone calls, declarations of love or similar nonsense should you follow my rules. Feel free to add extra details and personal touches, for example puking in the hallway is always a good one, as is telling him that last New Year you had a gang bang with 5 men in a phone box on Tottenham Court Road or that you have a professionally diagnosed abnormally large anus.
Alternatively you could change your knickers, stay off the booze, pack in the fags, clean out your mouth, be polite and shut up for once in your life, and probably be engaged by Easter. But then that would just be too easy …