I met a gentleman recently. He is very good company, attractive and entertaining. A combination I find most difficult to come by these days. Bizarrely when I hit my 30’s, according to my GP, my tolerance for dairy diminished. Perhaps the same can be said for banal conversation with men I don’t fancy, although it hasn’t been formally diagnosed yet.
We have been on a few dates and thus far he is yet to bore me. This is big news for someone whose primary reason for having a baby was to have get out clause on dreary dates.
So what to do? Be myself or play games and lure him into my web with a seductive plan that will throw him off balance and desperate for my attention? It is a minefield, and sadly one which even I, with my extensive dating history, still have not managed to master to perfection.
As means of assistance I dug up an old book I had lying around (as you do) which promises to help you ‘Get what you want when you want it by manipulating everyone’s greatest weaknesses in 24 easy steps’. Why, what nice foundations for a warm and loving relationship.
Forget being relaxed, fun and nice to be around, these days getting a partner is a military operation. This dating game is no place for half-baked, lily livered losers!!! Eyes front!! Yes Sir!, And there’s me thinking that a good snog up, promise of a bit of how’s your father and my hidden talent of being able to neck a shot of vodka without using my hands would seal the deal.
A few of the pointers, if you will, to guarantee a long and fruitful relationship –
Choose the right victim.
Let’s get it right from the start; this is not supposed to be fun. You want to relax and have a good time? Go to winter wonderland.
‘…Study your prey thoroughly and choose one who will prove susceptible to your charms…ideally they are isolated and unhappy, a person for whom you can fill a void…’
So we are looking for someone depressed. Someone needy, ideally with alcohol issues, minimal friends and a twitch. Forget attractive, sexy, compatible, intelligent or funny; suicidal is the only word you’ll need from here on. To get you going may I suggest a few places you might find your ‘victim’; a local boozer at 11am for example, a high bridge or a pharmacy are all pretty safe bets.
Appear to be the object of desire – Create triangles.
To draw your victim closer and make them hungry to possess you, you must create an aura of desirability.
Under no circumstances tell them that you like them, and if necessary hire people to pursue you. May I suggest rentafriend.com or paparazzihire.co.uk if you really want to get the job done. What man could resist a woman with an ‘ex-boyfriend’ screaming hate abuse outside her window or 5 burley men with cameras on her doorstep?
Create a need – stir anxiety and discontent.
A perfectly satisfied person cannot be seduced. Tension and disharmony must be instilled in your targets’ mind… stir within them an unhappiness and feeling of inadequacy within themselves.
Do not waste time with fun nights out, trips the cinema and cosy nights in front of the fire. This will only allow them a sense of security and fulfilment. Instead pick out their weak spots, criticize the way they talk, what they wear, the music they like. Small willy? Throw that in too. In fact, as you’re already paying 300 quid an hour for the paparazzi why not stand your potential new boyfriend in front of them and tell them all about his sexual inadequacies? Throw them an extra £50 if needs be to laugh hysterically whilst using a cigarette as a comedy replica of his penis.
Keep them in suspense – What comes next?
The moment your victim feels he knows what to expect from you the spell will be broken….calculate a surprise. Give the victim a thrill with a sudden change of direction…
Include in this your moods and emotions. One minute be fun and jovial, the next shout, abuse him, and on occasion beat him a little for forgetting sugar in your tea before smiling like crazy, throwing your arms around him and laughing uncontrollably. He will be surprised and unable to predict your next move exactly as you had intended. Remember you have the bouncers outside should he feel compelled to hit you back.
Use the demonic power of words to sow confusion.
The trick is to make them listen to you by saying what they want to hear; to fill their ears with whatever is pleasant to them.
Jam? Vodka? Lemon curd? Jism?
Isolate the victim.
An isolated person is weak. By slowly isolating your victim, you make them more vulnerable to your influence…. give them a sense of being marginalized, in limbo, make sure they have no outside support….’
Also known as domestic abuse but hey, let’s not split hairs about it. Ways in which to achieve your goal include accidentally spilling boiling water over their mobile, hacking into their Facebook page and updating their status ‘ I’m off, need some space, don’t try and find me’, before changing their location to Senegal and calling their Twitter followers a bunch of boring cunts before deleting the account. Works every time.
Stir up the transgressive and Taboo.
People yearn for the dark side. Take them farther than they imagined; the shared feeling of guilt and complicity will create a powerful bond.
Probably the easiest way to do this is to buy him a gimp mask and butt plug and take him to a BDSM club on a collar. Doing this will no doubt create a solid and long lasting sense of degradation. Should you want to go one step further, suggesting that you kill someone together might work. His elderly aunt for example, or an aging neighbour. Assure him it is something that you have done before so are well versed on the procedure should he have doubts.
And finally –
Beware the after-effects.
Danger follows the aftermath of a successful seduction. After emotions have reached a pitch they often swing in the opposite direction. … If you are to stay in a relationship never let the other person take you for granted, use absence, pain and conflict to keep the seduced on tenterhooks…
So to confirm; once you have found someone who is emotionally unbalanced to start with and paid a team of Vin Diesel look-a-likes to camp outside, you must abuse them, beat them, isolate them, humiliate them, laugh at them, take them to a sex club with an orange in their mouth and suggest a double murder on their birthday. You must then repeat the process until they are so beaten down that they spend their life happily cowering in the corner of your airing cupboard or you dump them.
Sweet smiles, friendly texts and carefree nights together? No wonder I’m still single.