The blatant liar
The blatant liar uses online dating to live out his fantasy of being someone who he, most definitely, is not. Height goes up, age comes down, the photos are old and trust me when I say, anyone who is earning over 100k does not advertise the fact on match.com. The good news is that the blatant liar has no intention of meeting up with anyone, anyway, so you’ll avoid the disappointment that Ryan Gosling is, in fact, Danny Devito.
The long distancer
‘Hey, you look amazing, we have so much in common – it would be great to chat! – I live in Glasgow but come down to London at least once a year!’
The fast mover
The fast mover is a polite name for the sex pest. The type of man who doesn’t have the mental capacity to distinguish between match.com and red tube.
The fast mover does not read profiles. Instead preferring to litter his messages with sexual innuendoes and ‘hilarious’ comments about melons - the Benny Hill of online dating.
Expect to be called babe, darling, sexy and hot lips in the first email – brave enough to give him your number? Expect to be asked if you like anal by the end of the week.
Intense emails, IMS requests, life stories and declarations of ‘connections’ and ‘amazing similarities’. The Houdini ‘feels like he’s know you for years’ … until after 4 months of messaging, when he logs off and never contacts you again.
Either recently divorced or eternally single … and like a kid in a candy store. The addict is online so much you think that there must be a fault in his profile settings.
Most often older and a bit creepy – you’ll go online, meet a guy, have a two-year relationship, break-up with the guy and find the addict still online with the same profile picture as when you left.
The addict capitalizes on the fact that regardless of his age, height or income, all of which are grossly exaggerated, the influx of eastern European prostitutes using online dating sites to tout for business, mean he can progress from light banter to hardcore Whatsapp sex chat within 24 hours.
Has been given complimentary membership on Sugardaddies.com and illicit dating.co.uk in recognition for being an active user since it launched.
The doting father/uncle/God-father
Whilst I wouldn’t criticise a man for liking his own offspring there is a time and a place for discussion on the subject – and an online dating site is neither of them. He’s also the guy who has pictures of dogs, landscapes, random inspirational quotes and a turtle he saw on the beach last summer in Tenerife.
The Desperado is in his forties and can be most often found with a beaded brow, having recently registered that he is the only one out of all of his friends not to be married yet.
The desperado wants a girlfriend and wants one now. His profile is detailed, his pictures plentiful and he’ll have a date in the diary before you can say ‘I say, steady on’.
The good news is the desperado is serious about a relationship – the bad news is, he doesn’t care who it’s with.
The married man
There is a simple way to spot a married man online. He has no photo but can send you one immediately to a private email address. His email address starts Dan_the_man, Londonsteve67 or Pureintentions – i.e.. totally anonymous and untraceable.
‘If you don’t have a dream, how are you going to make it come true’ … ‘ Did you fall down from the stars’ … ‘love, life, laughter’ accompanied by professional studio pictures.
He thinks his poetic prose will render women powerless to his charm we think he’s a complete wanker with too much time on his hands.
The reluctant romancer
Aka the miserable bastard. Spot a reluctant romancer by the amount of times he reminds you in his opening paragraph how much he hates online dating, never does this sort of thing, and can’t believe a good-looking girl like you has to resort to it too.
The reluctant romancer should not only stop pissing on everyone else’s parade, but piss off to a bar and pull in real life if he’s so good at it.
The normal bloke