There comes a point in every blogger’s life, when they reach an all time low. They blog about subjects so far flung from the original intent of the blog that they start to question their literary integrity, nay, the very core of their souls and state of their mental well-being.
Today I am blogging about Anthea Turner.
I have reached that point.
Surrey housewives are something I prefer not to comment on, as a general rule. (Samantha Brick and her one woman lovefest being the exception.) I find Anthea, dreary at best, positively nauseating at worst. I mean, honestly, I like a full bodied barnet as much as the next woman but, really, she takes blowdrying to a whole new level, and, sadly, it would seem, had she focused less on the drying and more on the jobbing she might not find herself in the position she is in now.
And so to the subject. Husband, Bovey. The walking, talking (now bankrupt & middle-aged) living doll. I’ll make the background brief, if for no other reason than that I would wager you have heard the story several times before.
Man grows bored.
Man leaves wife for younger version. (Read: Turner)
Man marries younger version.
Man grows bored with younger version.
Man loses money. (Read: ego)
Man leaves younger version for even younger version. (Read Turner look-alike)
Man buys red sports car and grows hair. ( I give it a month.)
Tragic, embarrassing, hilarious? Over to you.
The thing that amazes me, is not that Bovey left his cupcake queen for another woman, it’s that after 15 years of Stepford wifery he’d choose to shag, essentially, the same woman all over again. Christ, man, where’s the variety!? My mistake, there is a difference, about 25 years. Ouch.
There are some, of course, of the school of thought, that Turner deserves her comeuppance for doing exactly the same to another woman in the past. That when you steal husbands you should not be surprised when the same thing happens to you. I disagree, people fall in love, they hurt people, shit happens, that’s life, get over it.
I don’t think the ‘perfect housewife’ (Oh, the bitter irony) deserved this anymore than anyone else.
She didn’t deserve it but she certainly should have expected it.
Not because her husband has history for his caddish ways but because he lost all his money and is half decent looking for a middle-aged man.
Nothing, in my experience, makes a man more inclined to fuck his life up and destroy all the relationships within it like a good dose of bankruptcy and a cool 50 million down the drain. So while Turner expanded her domestic whoremongering over in Canada in order to put food on the perfectly polished Italian marble table, Dovey was off shagging a blonde 24 year old ‘interior designer’. After all, what says ‘Me man, you woman’ more than a blonde 24 year old ‘interior designer’ who’ll fuck you in your wife’s bed while she’s showing half of Quebec how to make a lemon soufflé.
Sigh, men can be so obvious.
Turner cuts a tragic figure. A woman so keen to be perfect she falls at every hurdle. Her endless pursuit to please has left her open to ridicule and the ‘I told you so’s’ and ‘serves you rights’ of a million women across the country, who couldn’t give a rat’s ass about daily blowdrys, gleaming cutlery and keeping up appearances.
Kitchen products have never been sexy, advertising them, even less so.
My advice to Anthea?
Fuck the housework, let the place go to hell. Smoke cigarettes in bed with nothing but an Agent Provocateur camisole on. Make friends with Nancy Dell’alio, fall out of the Dover Street Arts Club with a totally inappropriate man on your arm, then scream from the top of your Surrey rooftop at 4 o’clock in the morning ‘I make mistakes, I’m not perfect, and you know what?? I couldn’t give a fuck!!!!!!!!!’
Then wake up the next day and start a fresh. Leave your husband to have his mid-life crisis then laugh out loud when his younger model gets bored of him and his Viagra and he comes groveling back. (this will happen).
Seize your time to say ‘I told you so’ then down your fourth Martini before midday.
Perfect isn’t fun or sexy … starting a new chapter is.