Apparently this time of year sees the highest rate of people getting divorced, starting affairs, signing up to dating websites and throwing themselves off bridges. The correlation, I would imagine, comes in the form of those not doing one of the first three but opting for the forth. Which, on the bright side, would strike me as the most cost effective option, albeit slightly more final.
These statistics only serve to reinforce my theory about Christmas and New Year, i.e. that it is grossly over-rated. Surely even the most forgiving of partners would be driven to the nearest solicitor’s office by the sight of their beloved scoffing down their 75th Quality Street in front of the Eastenders Christmas special with a pair of reindeer slippers on and a red paper crown halfway down their forehead? Familiarity breeds contempt and, it would appear, a surge in subscriptions to Match.com.
It actually makes perfect sense to me; New Year being a time of fresh starts and all. Why waste time and money eating a fillet steak every night on the Aitkin’s diet when you could leave your husband and really shift that unwanted pile of fat that slows you down, makes you feel shit about yourself and that you’ve not been able to shake since you hit your mid 30’s? Genius!
Sadly too, evidence suggests, that January is also a popular time for extra marital affairs. It would appear that for many a British male, a whole week at home with the family is enough to drive them to the arms of another. The theory being, according to SteelesLaw Solicitors, that -
“The festive period brings heightened emotions, which make it a difficult time for many couples. The culmination of weeks of Christmas shopping, visiting family and friends and cooking can stretch relationships and for some it’s the final straw.”
I’ll say it does!
6 weeks before Christmas, the nearest you’d come to a chat with your wife was when she asked you if you fancied beef this year instead of turkey and suddenly you’re expected to have a conversation, to sit around a table and talk! Whose bloody brainwave was that? And like that wasn’t bad enough, you’ve got an audience of the in-laws and three hyperactive kids running around, playing and interacting with you like you’re their father or something. Man alive, of course men have affairs; this Christmas behaviour is utter insanity!
Another factor I would add to the list, a careless oversight on the part of SteelesLaw, would be that husbands find themselves ill-prepared for the shocking sight that is the broad daylight fully naked, mottled-skinned wife. Something normally softened by early morning darkness, a sun kissed glow in summer or a pair of M&S pyjamas at night.
Women can become wild and unkempt creatures in winter and it’s amazing what seven years of marriage can do to a woman’s bikini line. I wouldn’t mind taking a wager that in many a household across the UK there was more than one big hairy bush in the room over Christmas and fortunately for SteelesLaw Solicitors sometimes it just takes the Christmas break, an oh-so-comfortable marriage, a few too many mince pies and an extended period of time away from the office to see it.
My advice, in order to make a change to our blessed government statistics during January, would be for both parties to put a bit more effort in. Wives, winter is not a time when vaginal grooming should be neglected, legs unshaven and bare dimply arses exposed. God knows it takes every fibre of my being to drag myself out for a wax and a pedicure in this pissing weather, but trust me, your mother-in-law being in the house for more than 24 hours is enough to make your husband want to run off with his secretary. Don’t add fuel to his already stoked fire.
In turn, husbands, spending a bit more time at home throughout the rest of the year may well soften the blow when it comes to the festive period and it is, after all, only a week. Get your head down and get on with it. Failing that get your wife a lady shave and a copy of the Dukan diet in her stocking, she’ll love you for it.
The ideal situation would of course be that none of us got married, we all fucked off for Christmas and spent our winter break in Thailand, but then the government would save six million pounds on research to tell us something I’ve written in one blog post, and what would be the point of that?