How to Save Your Marriage.

katyAmerican dream, arseholes, blow jobs, marriageLeave a Comment

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Recently I have been exploring the subject of infidelity. Looking deeper into the psychology of why a person feels compelled to cheat and why certain people seem to be continually cheated on. There is a myriad of information on the subject, not least advice on risk limitation and how to prevent your partner from cheating. Although not in agreement with all of it I can see the relevance of it within the context of relationships and advice there of. Sometimes not so much, today was such a day. Whilst perusing a popular American ‘love & relationship’ site I stumbled across a list of ways in which to discourage your husband from straying when you feel that he is pulling away:

- Make a “Welcome home” sign with the kids and put it on the door so he can see it when he gets home from a business trip


- Buy him a card and handwrite something really sweet


- Scratch his back after a hard day with the kids or at work


- Let him spend a whole Sunday watching football while you make a big pot of chilli

-Take him on a surprise weekend getaway and arrange for her mom to come watch the kids


- Say “I love you” often


- Say “I’m sorry” if you did something wrong


- Hug him!
And for those of you confused, I wasn’t researching ‘ways in which to keep your husband happy in 1932′, no, my friends, this is a modern list for modern ladies.
Sigh.
Is it any wonder that 59.7% of marriages in the US end in divorce?
“… Hey Mary-Beth, my husband hates me, hasn’t touched me in 2 years and spends his evenings in the study cruising porn sites, what should I do!!?? … What should you do Betty-Anne!? Why you should make chilli!”
No Betty-Anne, you should NOT make chilli, write him a love note or hand paint a welcome home sign (well, not unless you want him to stab you in your sleep with a kitchen knife.)
When you’re in a relationship with somebody who gets on your nerves, when their nagging chills you to the bone, their habits bug the life out of you and all you can do to stop yourself collapsing on a crumpled heap on the porch is spend your days fantasising about bending Tiffany the intern over the photocopier for a good seeing to, chilli, love notes and banners will to nothing to calm your fury.
A surprise weekend will fill him with dread, as will scratching him and hugging him whilst saying you love him and that you’re sorry. I mean, what the hell are you? A feral bear in therapy? Step away from the heavy stuff.

No, in this situation you have one of two options.
You either reclaim yourself, by which I mean you get yourself back on track and give your partner some space. Do not spend your valuable time making posters and spraying Hello Kitty note paper with perfume, spend your day doing something for yourself. Catch up with friends, arrange a weekend away with anyone but him, start a degree in Criminal Psychology or sign up to run a marathon. Put simply, do anything that does not revolve around your husband, because by reclaiming yourself and igniting the embers of independence you will be rediscovering your confidence (and have more to talk about than chilli con carne) and in turn make yourself far more appealing to your husband.
Remind him of the person he fell in love with, before she exchanged her wild spirit for days spent coming up with new and exciting ways to ‘surprise’ her husband within the confines of his own home.
You really want to surprise your husband? (and absolutely refuse to do anything that revolves around making yourself into a more interesting person – God help you) then for Christ’s sake make it a blow job. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – far less time-consuming and messy than welcome home banners, and, I will guarantee you, far more conducive to a happy marriage. You are his wife & his lover are you not? May I suggest you start acting as such.
Failing that anal sex always works a treat as a temporary pick me up for a tired marriage … and my guess is your arsehole in the air as he walks through the door after a business trip will surprise him a lot more than any home-made poster you can come up with.
But then I’m no craft queen, all these years and there’s me thinking ….

katyHow to Save Your Marriage.

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