Nothing amuses me more than the news of another MP caught with his pants around his ankles. Take the most recently exposed, Brooks Newmark – the Conservative politician who this weekend, was exposed as ‘sexting’ an undercover journalist – which in turn, led to the revelation that he’d been having a two-year affair with another woman whom he’d regularly sent images to and exchanged frequent ‘sexy’ texts.
It is the job of the tabloid media to exaggerate stories and run them as if it’s the first time a public figure has ever had a sexual interest outside of his marriage. Newark is only human – flirtations or, in this case, an extramarital affair are not uncommon. Newmark isn’t the first MP to play away and he won’t be the last. His stupidity is baffling but his actions, nothing new or even particularly front page news worthy. It’s amazing how quickly an allegedly intelligent man in the public eye can turn into a horny little schoolboy with his hand down his trousers the minute there’s the suggestion of illicit sex and ‘a nice side shot of bum and breasts : – )” (Yes a men representing our country uses emoticons).
What is the most shocking part of this story? Newmark’s naivety in thinking he wouldn’t get caught? His stupidity in thinking that photos of this nature would not, at some point, surface for public consumption? That having a two-year affair and ongoing sexually banter with a number of other women online would not eventually cause extreme upset to his family? No. My shock lies in Newmark believing that a photo of his semi-exposed buttock was in any way remotely sexually appealing!!? This MP shouldn’t stand down because he has lied to his family, has proven himself to be dishonest personally and therefore potentially untrustworthy professionally, he should stand down because he actually thinks that his middle-aged arse is remotely sexually arousing to anyone. I can only presume that his lover encouraged such visual horrors for her own personal amusement and that of her close friends over a nice glass of Sauvignon Blanc. That anyone would find Newmark’s ass anything other than utterly hilarious is quite beyond me.
And that a men, regardless of his upbringing and education, can get it so wrong. The Chippendales strip-teasing is a laugh at best, a girl’s night out with too much booze and plenty of tongue-in-cheek fun. A middle-aged man believing that him ‘teasing’ us with half a butt cheek is enough to make a grown woman weep. Middle class, Tory narcissism at its very best.
Newmark claiming ‘mental heath issues’ were the reason for his mistake adds extreme insult to mild injury. This indiscretion has nothing to do with mental health, it is an example of a deluded old fool believing he’s untouchable - and sexy, yuck. A silly man prioritising the needs of his penis above those of his family or his commitment to the position that has been assigned to him.
The story is nothing new. In context, in the nature of the exchanges and the proof that regardless of a man’s job, political position or relationship status, when it comes to the promise of a shag, all sanity is thrown out the window. Our government might be predominantly run by men but it’s an anonymous single mother with her boobs out that holds the cards when it comes to turning a representative of the government into a dribbling schoolboy.
My advice to Foreign UK enemies would be that they really shouldn’t waste time and resources thinking up elaborate terrorists plots to bring down the government when it is clear that a simple fanny shot will do just as good a job.
Newmark doesn’t represent the Conservatives, the government or the constituency of Braintree, he represents men at their weakest and most deluded – and goes to show that a man is only ever as powerful as his ability to resist a picture of a decent pair of tits.
How simple we all are.